The Parable of The Lost Friend and the Sermon at Autozone

sisters, sinners and saints. Enter the sanctuary the doors are open. Welcome to the first

church of Lorenzo. You know what I don't know the fucking exact saying but it's something

to the effect of our friends or the family that we choose. Our family is our family but

is our family. We're not talking about the same thing. We're not talking about the DEA. We're not talking about the same thing.

it. But anyway, the point of that phrase or that saying is to suggest that, you know,

the family that you're born into, you're kind of stuck with, you didn't have any fucking

choice, but, your friends are the family that you selected for yourself. That hasn't been

my experience with friendship at all, because it never works out for me. You see, I lost

a friend recently. Someone that I

I'm taking it fucking hard. I'm not taking it well at all because I don't make friends easily.

I know that that's probably shocking to you, but people aren't just flocking to my fucking

door to be friends with your old boy Lorenzo. It doesn't really work out that way for me.

I don't know what it is either.

Hey Lorenzo, we were all going to get together and go down to the potluck down at the community

center later on tonight. Would you like to go?

Oh yeah, I don't go to potlucks. If I wanted a mouth full of cat hair, I just fucking blow

on. But hey, thanks for the invite means a lot. I can't imagine why people wouldn't

want to be my friend. I'm honest and I'm caring and I give all of myself to those that I cherish.

Hey Lorenzo, we're looking for a fourth guy for our bowling team. What do you think

about bowling? You want to come down and be part of the bowling team? The hot wings

down at the alley are fucking great bowling, huh? The national pastime for wife beaters.

Now that's okay guys. I prefer to abuse my women emotionally and psychologically. I'm

not going to beat the shit out of them with you guys. But you guys go ahead. Thanks for

the invite. People aren't just beating down my door to be my friend and have never really

understood why. You would think that someone is strikingly handsome as me with as much

going for it as I have would be just beating people away with a stick who were lined up

to be my friend. But that's simply not the case.

Hey Lorenzo, Cassie and I were just talking. Have you ever had Kettle One vodka? Oh no,

I don't drink vodka. Oh my god, you don't drink vodka. Why not? Because I have self-respect.

vodka is for 55 year old fucking used up barflies who take a different burnt rentals fucking

look alike home every night. Those of us with self-respect, Janet drink whiskey. They're

just not beaten down my door to be friends with me. And it's weird. So when I actually

get a friend, a real friend, someone who accepts me for who I am, I will do almost fucking

anything in order to keep them. And that I think is where I fuck up because like I said

at the beginning of this segment, friendship is fucking weird. The saying doesn't really

Commission.

Friends aren't really the fucking family that you choose because they can fucking check

out anytime they like and they do. All the time. Family you're fucking stuck with. Family

you can't get away from. A family unit, you are a member of whether you want to be or

not. That's the kind of fucking lasting staying power that I'm looking for. Somebody who

can flip in and out of my life on a whim is a fucking problem for me. I need consistency

and follow through because friendship, if you really fucking take a look at it, it is

so goddamn stupid. The whole concept of it is dumb. It's built on fucking smoke and

vapor. Right? You spend this inordinate amount of time feeling each other out and exchanging

information and comparing fucking shared experiences, building memories that you share together,

garnering and fostering trust. And then all of a sudden, one fucking argument, one disagreement,

or it could be one disagreement that keeps coming up over and over again until the friend

that you cherished more than anything else in the world just says, fuck it, I'm done.

And they walk away. Friendship is fucking gay. Why would anybody put themselves through

that? But every now and then the stars are right in the planet's line and the seas part

and I end up running across someone who really fucking gets me, understands me and accepts

me for who I am. Like I said, it doesn't happen very often, maybe two times in my entire

life. Maybe even three, if I wanted to put Bradley in that category, I could say three

times in my entire life if I ever had a really solid no shit friend who just fucking understood

my language, but it never lasts. Ever. And I don't fucking understand why. I do all the

best friend things like I check in. Hey Lorenzo, what's happening?

I was just checking in to see if we're still friends. Well, yeah, why wouldn't we be?

Well, I don't know why don't you tell me why wouldn't we be friends?

Lorenzo were still friends, buddy. I'll talk to you later.

Lorenzo, did you need something?

Yeah, the way you said I'll talk to you later. That didn't sound like you were being friendly.

That sounded like you were exasperated with me already today. Is that the case? Am I being too much?

Now Lorenzo, you're just fine, man.

And we're still friends?

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. We're still friends.

Okay, I'll check back in with you later.

Other best friend things I do I encourage you to have other friends besides me.

You know, I was thinking, do you have friends besides me because if you don't, you

should. You have other friends, right? Well, yeah, I guess. Really? Who are they? What are their names?

Well, there's Bob and James and Phil and Sean. Man, that's a lot of friends.

And of those friends, who's your best one besides me? Of course, besides me.

Well, I'd probably say James.

Okay, well, what does it James has that I don't? Why do you gravitate towards James?

Well, Lorenzo, I got to be honest with you. I'm not sure I gravitate towards anyone.

It's we're just friends because we work together and we both like fishing.

Well, I could like fishing. I mean, I like fishing a little bit. I like to go trout fishing.

I don't know much about bass fishing, but I could do I could do fucking fishing.

Like, why can't I be your fishing friend? Why does it have to be fucking old dusty ass James?

Well, I tell you what, buddy. Next time we go fishing, we'll take you with us.

Oh, so it'll be a threesome. That's not what I want at all. I don't understand why I'm not

for you. Okay? Why am I not enough? What is it about me that says not enough?

Better also pal around with James, John, Phil and George.

You know what, buddy? I'm just going to go. We'll talk about this later.

I also come with vital numbers and metrics about the success rate of our friendship.

Hey Lorenzo, what can I do for you? I'm just checking in with you because I was doing the math

the other day and I have an exactly 11% success rate of getting you on the phone when I call.

And I'm just wondering, you know, what I can do to increase that rate of success.

Well, you've, how did you calculate that 11%, buddy?

Well, I just did a basic calculation on the number of times I've actually got you on the phone

versus the number of times I've called over the last few weeks and it's sitting right around 11%.

I think 11.3.

Well, Lorenzo, I got to be honest, I think you're putting a little bit too much

thought into this. I answer the phone when I can. I got a job. I'm busy. I got my own life.

You see what I'm saying? Who wouldn't want someone like me to be in their corner?

I've never really been able to understand why I repel people the way I do.

And then once I do find someone to become friends with me, why they never stick around.

I've given you solidly right there of the kind of friend that I can be.

It's my default setting. I do that without trying. Why aren't people lining up,

to be best buddies with your old boy, fucking Lorenzo? I have no idea, but I do know this.

I'm taking applications. If you're looking for somebody who's going to have your back,

celebrate your fucking wins and more in your losses. I'm your guy and I'm a one-stop shop.

I'm the only friend you'll ever need. Don't get that fucked up. Okay? I'm the only

fucking friend that you'll ever need and the only friend you'll ever want. There will never be

another friend like me. Okay? There will never be anybody like me in your life. You can take that

to the bank. So safe, the Lorenzo. Crying like a bitch. You know, I have a really

stressful job. I know it's going to shock you, but this podcast doesn't pay a whole lot,

considering that I don't run ads and I don't make you pay to listen to it.

I don't make any fucking money doing this. So I have a real job and this job is getting

fucking stressful, dude. And it's not just my job because I talk to a lot of people and they're all

saying the same thing. People in professional lines of work, it's the fucking same story.

You used to get to a level in whatever corporate America job that you were in and you knew that

you were good. You were a made man. Basically, those days are over. Now corporate America jobs,

you're just fucking lucky to keep and its paperwork and its telecoms and its fucking checklists

and it's this program and

and it's that program and there's this process that's going to counterman the last process. But you got to

keep doing the last process until such time as this process is the muscle memory and it's constantly

changing and it's constantly evolving. You got to really keep your eye on your fucking email

because the rules that applied yesterday may and probably have changed today. It is never the

fucking same day twice. Nowadays in corporate America and it's oppression being rained down on you

from the fucking corporate office. In the stakeholders are nipping at your fucking heels from underneath and

the fucking paperwork coming at you from every fucking angle and the employees are pissed and it's just

fucking crazy all the time. It's absolute pandemonium even in the smallest most remote fucking outposts

of these giant corporations. The fucking oppression level is still just god damn insane and I'm just

fucking stressed completely fucking stressed out and there are so many days when I- I go to the house and I sit in the chair and I think if one more fucking thing goes wrong today, I'm gonna snap.

Those are my days most days corporate America is a fucking nightmare right now. So with that in mind you can imagine my mindset when I get in my fucking pickup truck that doesn't have air conditioning by the way and I roll down the windows and the god damn window on the driver's side won't go down.

In its defense it's a 32 year old Ford F-150. Okay, the motor has done its job. It deserved to fail me and I shouldn't be mad about it but that fucking day I was god damn

and sensed because it was just another fucking thing flying at me that fucking day. So I immediately just point my fucking truck at auto zone and I cruise on over there real quick and I go inside slam the fucking door

and I kick the fucking tire on the way in peace of fucking blue shit and I go flying into fucking auto zone and that is when I ran into Derek.

Derek the auto zone guy. What a fucking great dude. I fucking love Derek and you know I don't I don't love a lot of people

I'm not what you would call a friendly dude but Derek every time I go in there Derek is like a breath of fresh air. I would say he's 5758 maybe 5.9. He's got sandy brown curly hair.

He's not a non-descript features. He's just a normal dude a little bit fucking heavy set but he's not fat in there with his gray auto zone shirt and his dark charcoal gray pants and he's standing there behind the counter and I am fucking heated man and he's standing there behind the counter waiting for me as I walk in.

And he's looking at me with this pleasant almost serene look and the moment I saw Derek it's like my blood pressure dropped a notch because I knew that Derek was going to make everything okay.

So I walk up to the counter and I tell him that I need a driver's side window motor for a 94 F-150.

And this this is why Derek is such a beautiful fucking man by the way. Derek kind of looks up to his right and stares at the ceiling tiles for a moment and goes I have one of those turns on his heel.

Walked all the way to the fucking back you see him moving among the aisles back there and then he comes back up with the box and he is just so goddamn happy that he had the part I need.

Derek the guy at fucking auto zone and it's funny because Derek would have been a cautionary tale for me when I was growing up.

My fucking parents and my grandparents they all said the same thing they would have interacted with a man like Derek and we

do. That guy is the reason why you have to get your education Lorenzo you don't want to end up like Derek. Every time I go fucking see Derek I think about that how Derek would have been a cautionary tale somebody that I should have sought to avoid becoming.

You see what I'm saying but fast forward all these fucking years later Derek is a dude who is legitimately happy to be doing what he's doing.

And the whole time and fucking standing there while Derek is running around in the back getting the fucking part that he thinks he has for me my phone is fucking blowing up you're supposed to be on this telecon at 1 o'clock where are you a Bob called and need you to call him back about some kind of something or other I told you I needed Tuesday off and then the schedule comes out and low and behold I'm scheduled for Tuesday the TK 421 report still isn't done winner you gonna get around to doing that I'm sorry.

The TK 421 report has been replaced by the TK 4222 report winner you're gonna do that one my phone is fucking exploding with all of these messages and phone calls people demanding bits of my time and wondering why I haven't already complied to this or fucking checked that box.

And in the meantime Derek has worked his way back up to the front with the part that I need and he is standing there in front of me in his blue collar uniform serenely staring back at me while I deal with the fucking chaos on my phone and in that moment I realized that I both hate a little bit love a lot and also envy Derek.

Derek is doing exactly what he loves he is working at a job he there only guy in this building who works here and all he gets to do all day long is exactly what he loves to do you can tell by the look on his face Derek is the happiest mother fucker I've ever seen because he is working at a job that he truly loves.

Now easy there uneducated or educated and under employed I'm not sure which one but what I do know for sure is that Derek is not a fucking cautionary tale and people like Derek are not cautionary tales we were sold this fucking lie that we had to go to college or we were gonna

fucking end up like Derek the fucking auto zone guy and we were gonna be miserable and we were gonna be poor and we were going to be expendable.

But here I am standing in this fucking auto zone looking at the serene blissful peaceful fucking face of Derek while dealing with absolute goddamn pandemonium on a fucking cell phone everybody coming at me from every which way and I'm thinking to myself who's the real fucking loser here.

I don't know how much money Derek makes but I do know that you cannot be that fucking serenely happy and also be goddamn destitute so he has to be making a livable wage here I guess it really boils down to your definition of what happiness is I'm going to speculate that Derek's happiness is working at a job that he loves making enough money to live clocking out at the end of the day and going home and living his fucking life.

The version of happiness that I was sold was achieve achieve achieve win win win get bigger get faster get better we're going to pay you a lot of fucking money but at the expense of your peace your happiness and your fucking soul.

Derek is not a cautionary tale I am I am the fucking cautionary tale get your college degree you start out with a company you work your way up to a mid level or upper management position and I'm going to be a good guy.

I'm in position and every day they just chip away they just chip away a little bit at your fucking integrity and your fucking sanity they chip away at everything that makes you you to where you wake up in the morning and you look at yourself in the mirror and you go what the fuck happened to you.

Derek is not a cautionary tale I am thankfully, thankfully though the school system seemed to have figured it out a little bit and the last 10 15 years.

I was coming up it wasn't even just my fucking parents and my grandparents it was the school counselors and the teachers calling you a fucking loser if you were going to be a fucking auto mechanic or something like that.

Nowadays the schools are telling you yeah you can go get your degree if you want but we really need people in the trades.

I don't know man every time I walk into that fucking auto zone I question the entire trajectory of my life because I see Derek standing there just as happy as a man can possibly be.

Derek's my fucking dude man love me some Derek.

Thank you for joining me for what is technically season three episode one of this podcast although we have changed the name to the first church of Lorenzo because it's a little bit fucking grabier it's a little fucking snappier you know what I mean it sticks in the head better than

missing throw radio don't you agree but welcome anyway and thank you for joining me for the inaugural episode of the first church of Lorenzo alright q Steve he's standing by with this kick ass exit outro

thing until next time tell a friend leave a review the patient new sermons arrived spirit the first church of Lorenzo

go forth and sin boat Lee