I hope I don't have to do these very often.
I was just thinking about that.
I had this whole thing in my head.
I was going to say about what a reloaded episode is and why we're here.
But what came out of my mouth when I hit the record button was I hope I don't have to
do these very often.
Episode six was released Thursday morning early in the morning.
And I got to be honest.
I don't like it.
That's not fair.
I really like the stuff that I do.
I don't really listen to it once it comes out other than a quick listen for quality assurance
purposes.
And it's not that I hate the entire episode.
I don't.
It's fine.
But there are a couple of spots that I think that I really miss the fucking boat on.
So rather than recreate the episode and then put the new version up in episode six's
place and pretend like the original version didn't happen.
I figured what I would do is a air quotes or reloaded thing where I fix the parts that
I don't like and then fucking throw them up.
So now you can compare and contrast.
See what I mean?
It's added value.
I think what we would call that incorporate America.
It's an added value episode.
So like I said at the very beginning of this, I hope I don't have to do these very often.
But I think I probably will.
This is not a road.
I wanted to go down by the way.
All right, well, let's just dive into it.
Cue the reloaded intro.
Let's go.
The following is a European cannon production.
In the ancient land of Valmira, they lived a man.
Lorenzo is what he was called in those days.
The bastard of Valmira, the butcher.
He killed at will, indiscriminately slaughtering both beasts and men with his large meaty
element of destruction and staggering beauty.
He called Wamba the rod of the underworld.
Welcome, mother fucker, to Missing Throat Radio.
Episode six, reloaded.
Getting old is fucked up.
And when I say getting old is fucked up, I'm not talking about the usual shit that you
hear people complain about.
Somebody's always got something to say about getting old.
Well, this sucks about getting old and that sucks about getting old.
It's honestly usually fairly benign.
But getting old is fucked up, not just because of the aches and pains and your fucking skin
gets thin and you're always bleeding for no fucking reason.
Getting old is fucked up in ways that I didn't fucking anticipate at all.
I had this realization the other day when I was sitting down and I realized that my fucking
balls were hanging out of the bottom of my shorts.
Now, I've had these shorts a long time so you would think, okay, well, if this has
never happened to you before, there must be a variety of mitigating factors.
Some kind of natural phenomenon or environmental phenomenon must have made this occur.
Okay, well, let's examine that.
It's a chair that I've owned for a very long time.
I sit in it the same way every day.
My feet were on the ottoman that I've owned for a very, very long time.
My feet go in the same place on the ottoman every day.
The shorts I was wearing I've owned for a very long time.
And when I'm at the house and I'm not planning on going anywhere, I don't fucking bother with
underwear.
I walk in, take off the fucking work clothes, wash up a little bit, throw on my fucking
shorts and t-shirt and go continue to live my life.
But on this particular day, in these particular shorts, on this particular chair with my feet
on this particular ottoman, my testicles were hanging out of the bottom of my fucking shorts.
And that's when it hit me.
Getting old is fucked up.
You suffer in dignities getting older that you honestly shouldn't have to fucking suffer.
If you think about it throughout the course of your life, you're always fucking eating
shit in one way or another.
The process of life is fucked up.
And here I was the other day sitting in my fucking chair knocking on the door of 50 years old
with my fucking balls hanging out the bottom of my shorts thinking to myself, this is the
beginning of the downhill slide.
And like I touched on earlier, the downhill slide takes many forms.
But for the purposes of this particular episode, the downhill slide that I'm referring
to is not physical or cognitive, it's social.
It's a social stigma of falling into the age range between 50 and
and 59 years old.
I'm going to call it the creepy era, the creepy years, the creepy decade.
I've officially turned the corner from middle age and I'm on my way to elderly, but there's
a 10 year downhill slide before you get to elderly.
And you're asking, okay, well, fucking, how do you define that 10 year slide?
What are you talking about?
How do you think that there's a fucking 10 year slide, Lorenzo?
Well, let me tell you, imagine you're on a plateau and you're cruising along on that
plateau.
That that plateau is your 40s.
Now when I say you're on a plateau, what I mean is through your 20s and your 30s, you're
on a fairly steady incline, right?
By the time you hit 40, that levels out.
It may go up, it may go down a little bit, but from 40 to 49, you're on a plateau.
These are your prime earning years.
This is your physical appearance and most importantly, and for the purposes of this particular
podcast episode, you're on a plateau from 40 to 49 in the way people view you.
So in your 20s, when you're on the way up, you're a kid.
In your 30s, when you're on your way up, you're still maturing into the man that you're
going to be.
But then when you hit 40, you're there.
You've arrived.
You are the man that you're going to be in the eyes of everyone around you and everyone
who meets you.
And then you are on a plateau, this beautiful flat plane that you can ride out for up to
and including nine years.
You're making the most money you've ever made.
Physically you're holding up emotionally.
You're getting a little bit more mature.
You're on your way to gaining what people are going to view as wisdom.
And then at 49, you start your downhill slide.
Physically you're not holding up as well as you used to.
People at work are starting to see you as a bit of an anachronism, but for the purposes
of this episode of the podcast, it's how people see you in your everyday life and
in random social interactions that we're going to talk about here because the meaning
of everything you do and the perceived intentions behind everything you do change at 50 years
of age.
A mere year ago holding the door open at the bank for the young lady to go in in front
of you was
was just seen as polite.
That lady may think that she's just thankful that that man thought of her saw her coming
and decided to hold that door for her and let her in.
How genuinely?
In your 60 holding the door open for a lady at the bank is seen in a certain way.
She sees 60-year-old you holding the door open going, oh my gosh, what an adorable old
man.
Oh look at him, I just want to dress him up.
He should wear one of those Thomas Shelby hats.
He's just so cute.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you for holding the door for me.
But between the ages of 50 and 59, the perception that they have of you holding that
fucking door at the bank is completely different.
Go right on ahead, miss.
I've got the door for you.
I am the same guy at 49 that I was at 29 and 39.
Allow me to illustrate.
Holding the door for the young lady at the age of 29, this is pretty indicative of what's
going through my head.
I like to smell your fucking gun.
Look at that fucking ass, it's like two puppies fighting under a play, get it.
I want to fucking see your tints, I want to eat your tints, I want to fucking smell
our tints.
I want to taste your fucking tints, lactate on my fucking
mouth, leave a snail trail at my fucking leg.
Pussy, cut vagina, fucking ass tits, asshole, but whole fucking oral sex...
They don't sex jerk me off.
Holding the door open for that young lady at the age of 39, this is pretty indicative
of what's going through.
Yeah, cut pussy, cut tits, fuck, fuck me, fuck you, fuck ass, yeah, yeah, motor run,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Holding the door, open for that young lady at the age of 59, here's what will be most
likely going through my head.
The vagina, pussy, cut, fucking, come, come, get it, daisy, fucking tints.
Come on your ass, come on your face, come on your fucking tits, come on your fucking belly
fattening, come on your fucking ass, asshole, knock you up, kick you down a fucking fly to
stairs.
Carry on the bloodline if you fucking can, piss in my fucking mouth like this, Neil, come
pussy, cut, fuck, shit, fuck, cut, pussy, fuck, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So as you can imagine, I can't fucking understand why holding the door open for that young lady
at 49 would elicit the kind of response that I described.
I'm no more perverted at the age of 49 than I was at 39 or 29.
The only difference, the only mitigating factor is at the age of 49, I'm no longer
fuckable.
Let's just fucking get it out there.
That young lady looks at a 29 year old man and a 39 year old man completely differently
than she looks at the 49 year old man.
Do you want to know why?
The 49 year old man is old enough, just old enough to no longer be fuckable.
That makes him a creep.
I'm just consider this a fucking public service announcement from Missing Throat Radio.
Once you hit 49 years of age, maybe 50 if you're lucky, you're no longer a gentleman, you're
a fucking creep.
And then you've got a fucking contend with creep status for the next 10 years.
There's nothing you can fucking do.
There's literally nothing you can fucking do to change the perception that everyone
whom you meet you is going to have.
People are going to fucking put themselves between you and their kids.
If you happen to be walking through the park, you could have walked the trail at that
park every day for a decade, but the moment you fucking cross that line and start on that
fucking downhill slide, parents are fucking interjecting themselves, placing themselves
between you and where their kids happen to be playing on the fucking jungle gym.
And God fucking forbid you walk over and sit down on the swing set.
They're calling the cops.
They wouldn't call the cops at 48, 47 or 46, but 49, 50, they're calling the fucking
police.
You're likely to catch a fucking charge for taking a break while you're walking the trail
that you've been walking for a decade at the park because you have crossed this invisible
line.
You're no longer a gentleman, you're creepy.
This was a realization I had.
And I had the realization again to fucking recap because I sat down in a pair of shorts that
I've owned for a very long time in a chair that I've owned for a very long time and put
my feet on an ottoman that I've owned for a very long time.
And I realized that my fucking balls were hanging at the bottom of my shorts.
Oh god damn.
That's my list of fucking trauma, please.
Balls hanging at the bottom of my fucking shorts.
They haven't hung in the fucking toilet yet.
That's a day that I'm home.
That's a day that I hope it doesn't fucking come for me.
That's a day that I'm hoping never fucking happens to me.
Long sack, the phenomenon.
The phenomenon of long sackga.
Long sack, fucking strikes and my nuts hit that fucking toilet water I'm done.
I'm like well, just fucking grab a bowie knife and walk into the fucking woods in northern
Minnesota and take my fucking chances with the bears.
If they take me out that goddamn it, I had it coming.
I'm not useful to anyone anymore at that point.
Fuck.
Not singing on the bottom of my fucking shorts.
I don't know if I did a good job explaining my theory on the phenomenon of fucking aging
as a man.
You know women say all the time that they lose their fucking value at 35 or something
like that.
Like it's a really fucking steep decline into invisibility.
Once you hit 35 as a woman or 45 or whatever the fucking number is that they slap on that.
But I think I would prefer it in all honesty.
If you take a fucking 700 foot view of the situation, would you rather not taking out of the bottom
of the fucking shorts aside and not taking into the fucking toilet water aside.
Let's take that out of the equation.
Those personal fucking indignities don't factor into this.
700 foot view.
Would you rather be on your fucking way up and peak at about 30, 35 and then start your
decline and just kind of become invisible?
Or would you rather have a nice 10 year plateau and then snap your fucking fingers, wake
up one day and realize you're a fucking creep and everyone sees you as a creep and every
woman assumes you're a fucking predator and every man thinks you're trying to steal
and fucking traffic their child.
Personally, personally, I think I would probably take the rapid decline into invisibility
and irrelevance.
Then having to fucking mind my pints and cords every fucking minute of the day for the
next 10 years until I can put on that Tommy Shelby hat and grab a fucking mere shampai
and be a harmless old man.
And what's really fucked up is I'm an ass guy.
I love me some fucking, I love me a big round ass.
You know what I mean?
Oh fuck, I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.
God damn it.
If I would have fucking said that line five years ago at 45 years of age, you'd have been
like, oh, he's an ass man.
I've got a nice round ass.
Let me slide into his DMs.
Right?
But no, I'm fucking knock it on the door of 50.
I say I've got a, I love me a nice round fucking fat bulbous ass.
And you're like, oh my god, the fucking creepy is dripping out of my fucking earbuds.
It's gonna infect me.
I'm doing it.
I can't even fucking say, I can't even fucking say that I love a nice fat ass anymore.
Son of a bitch, you
I'm saying a guy saying at the age of 45 that he loves a nice fucking fat ass hits
different than a guy had fucking knocking on the door of 50.
The guy knocking on the door of 50 can't do it.
Bitch, getting old fucking blows.
When I get done with this today, I'm gonna call my dad and I'm just gonna ask him, you
know, I distinctly remember when you were in your 50s, you would kind of be walking around
talking about how getting old sucks.
Is that because you had aches and pains?
That's kind of what I chalked it up to at the time.
Or is it because you realize that you can't walk around and admit publicly that you
really enjoy a juicy fat ass anymore?
Well, I don't care if it makes me sound like a creep.
I'll let me some thighs in an ass.
Okay, fuck it.
Fuck it.
I'm gonna ask him two of his balls ever hung out the bottom of his shorts.
And what happened?
And if so, what happened the first time is fucking nuts hit the toilet water?
Definitely gonna call him.
If I had a way to patch the call in to this podcast, I'd totally do it.
But I'm sure that there's probably some kind of fucking easy to use software that I could
incorporate into my current setup kind of fuck to do it.
.
I just don the fuck to incorporate into my current setup I just don't know how to fuck to do it.
You'll have to
fuck it.
And like I said
I can't do it.
I'm capable of doing a better job than that or at least telling the story a little bit
differently so I have to fucking do it.
There's no way I can just leave it that way.
Alright, again thank you for humoring me.
Thank you for coming along on this episode six reloaded edition of Missing Through Operating
Out.
Hopefully there won't be a bunch of reloaded in the future.
I don't know.
There's no way to fucking tell.
Alright, until next time.