WEBVTT 00:00:00.300 --> 00:00:03.300 Welcome to season two episode five. 00:00:04.700 --> 00:00:05.940 Wait, isn't... 00:00:05.940 --> 00:00:06.940 No way. 00:00:06.940 --> 00:00:11.100 Is this episode five or six? 00:00:11.100 --> 00:00:13.980 Fucking hell, I think it's episode six. 00:00:13.980 --> 00:00:16.420 There you go, way to go, dipshit. 00:00:16.420 --> 00:00:21.620 Fucking like the only scripted part of the entire fucking show, 00:00:21.620 --> 00:00:22.900 and you fuck it up. 00:00:22.900 --> 00:00:24.500 Stupid fucking 00:00:24.500 --> 00:00:26.700 fucking fat bald motherfucker. 00:00:26.700 --> 00:00:27.700 Come on, damn it. 00:00:28.660 --> 00:00:29.500 You know what? 00:00:29.500 --> 00:00:32.980 This is very indicative of the way my fucking weekend is gone. 00:00:32.980 --> 00:00:35.620 All I've been thinking about all fucking weekend long 00:00:35.620 --> 00:00:37.060 is I gotta get this done. 00:00:37.060 --> 00:00:39.660 And so I can go downstairs and record missing through a radio. 00:00:39.660 --> 00:00:41.460 And I get, I get, I get, okay, fuck, 00:00:41.460 --> 00:00:42.980 I gotta get this done now. 00:00:42.980 --> 00:00:46.700 And now I can go downstairs and record an episode of missing through a radio. 00:00:46.700 --> 00:00:48.780 It's been like this all fucking weekend long. 00:00:48.780 --> 00:00:51.980 As a matter of fact, to be completely honest with you, 00:00:51.980 --> 00:00:54.860 I shouldn't even be recording now. 00:00:54.860 --> 00:00:56.980 It's been a super frustrating weekend. 00:00:57.780 --> 00:01:02.300 Let's pretend like you didn't just fucking hear me, butch. 00:01:02.300 --> 00:01:06.460 The only scripted part of fucking of an episode of missing through a radio. 00:01:06.460 --> 00:01:10.860 And I'm just gonna just fucking hit the fucking reset button here, 00:01:10.860 --> 00:01:12.540 and we're gonna start again. 00:01:12.540 --> 00:01:15.180 Okay, here we go. 00:01:15.180 --> 00:01:19.620 Welcome to season two episode six of missing through a radio. 00:01:19.620 --> 00:01:21.860 Do you hear my fucking mouth clicks? 00:01:21.860 --> 00:01:23.140 Jesus shit. 00:01:23.140 --> 00:01:24.660 Well, let me pull this thing down in front. 00:01:24.660 --> 00:01:26.140 Maybe that'll help some. 00:01:26.140 --> 00:01:30.700 I use the light in this room is extraordinarily bright. 00:01:30.700 --> 00:01:35.980 So I end up putting my pop filter up and use it as a fucking sun visor. 00:01:35.980 --> 00:01:38.180 Okay, one more fucking time. 00:01:38.180 --> 00:01:42.900 Welcome to season two episode six of missing through a radio. 00:01:42.900 --> 00:01:44.980 Fucking hell, was that so hard? 00:01:44.980 --> 00:02:13.810 All right, let's go. 00:02:13.810 --> 00:02:20.250 Being a home owner, the absolute pinnacle of the American experience. 00:02:20.250 --> 00:02:25.930 I'm gonna go so far as to say that it's the cornerstone of the American dream. 00:02:25.930 --> 00:02:27.010 Home ownership. 00:02:28.010 --> 00:02:32.450 The box and floor with a white picket fence and a dog running around in the yard. 00:02:32.450 --> 00:02:34.130 It's the American dream. 00:02:34.130 --> 00:02:36.450 Every young man grows up and thinks, 00:02:36.450 --> 00:02:38.890 how am I going to buy that house? 00:02:38.890 --> 00:02:41.410 How am I going to afford that house? 00:02:41.410 --> 00:02:45.010 Every young lady grows up and just wants a home of her own 00:02:45.010 --> 00:02:48.130 that she can decorate and treat as a blank canvas. 00:02:48.130 --> 00:02:53.890 A place where her wildest artistic desires are absolutely within reach. 00:02:53.890 --> 00:02:55.290 Home ownership. 00:02:55.290 --> 00:03:02.290 Absolutely 100% the cornerstone of the American dream as it was sold to us. 00:03:02.290 --> 00:03:05.930 Over the course of the last 50 to 75 years. 00:03:05.930 --> 00:03:08.050 But what about before that? 00:03:08.050 --> 00:03:11.050 Was home ownership part of the American dream? 00:03:11.050 --> 00:03:13.210 I don't know that it was. 00:03:13.210 --> 00:03:19.170 Moving forward is home ownership going to be considered part of the American dream. 00:03:19.170 --> 00:03:21.050 I don't know that it is. 00:03:21.050 --> 00:03:24.610 If you wouldn't mind though to humor me just for a moment, 00:03:24.610 --> 00:03:28.450 let me take you through what home ownership actually is. 00:03:28.450 --> 00:03:33.450 I'm sitting in a chair in my basement talking into this microphone. 00:03:33.450 --> 00:03:40.250 Yes, I'm sitting in a chair that I own in a basement that I own next to a concrete wall 00:03:40.730 --> 00:03:45.610 and above me is the rest of the house that I own. 00:03:45.610 --> 00:03:48.690 And it feels pretty good to be able to say that to you. 00:03:48.690 --> 00:03:55.250 However, on the other side of the concrete wall to the right of me, there is the yard 00:03:55.250 --> 00:03:56.250 that I own. 00:03:56.250 --> 00:03:57.250 Two and a half acres. 00:03:57.250 --> 00:03:59.490 Oh man Lorenzo, you must be doing pretty well. 00:03:59.490 --> 00:04:02.770 That's a pretty nice-n 00:04:02.770 --> 00:04:04.530 That's a pretty nice sized lawn, right? 00:04:04.530 --> 00:04:05.530 Yeah, it's great. 00:04:05.530 --> 00:04:09.250 But at this very moment, there is an evil lurking beneath the tranquil surface 00:04:09.250 --> 00:04:12.730 of the grassy lawn that I own. 00:04:12.730 --> 00:04:22.170 An evil so vile, so foul, so unspeakable that homeowners everywhere hesitate to even utter 00:04:22.170 --> 00:04:23.570 its name. 00:04:23.570 --> 00:04:29.170 It is an evil that drives fear into the hearts of men everywhere. 00:04:29.170 --> 00:04:31.170 They break out in cold sweats. 00:04:31.170 --> 00:04:37.570 They start ringing their hands, thinking about the untold damage that evil can do to their 00:04:37.570 --> 00:04:38.930 lives. 00:04:38.930 --> 00:04:46.010 The name of that thrice, damned thing is a name that you never utter in vain. 00:04:46.010 --> 00:04:51.370 Lest it come for you and destroy everything you've worked for. 00:04:51.370 --> 00:04:57.610 That evil is lurking right now, underneath the surface of my tranquil lawn. 00:04:57.610 --> 00:05:00.410 Maybe I didn't give it the proper respect. 00:05:00.410 --> 00:05:05.090 Maybe I didn't prepare enough, trying to keep it at bay. 00:05:05.090 --> 00:05:10.370 Maybe I didn't sacrifice enough, or take heed to the warning signs. 00:05:10.370 --> 00:05:15.010 Maybe there was something I could have done to prevent its coming. 00:05:15.010 --> 00:05:20.810 To prevent the havoc that it is wreaked on my holiday weekend. 00:05:20.810 --> 00:05:26.690 Maybe there was something I could have done to keep the sewer from clogging. 00:05:26.690 --> 00:05:29.450 You just broke out into a cold sweat, didn't you? 00:05:29.450 --> 00:05:35.170 I said clogged sewer, and you immediately thought of feces floating through your fucking 00:05:35.170 --> 00:05:41.610 basement, running through your fucking house, ruining all of your fucking keepsakes, destroying 00:05:41.610 --> 00:05:43.650 your fucking chainsaw. 00:05:43.650 --> 00:05:50.690 You immediately had visions of pissy fucking grey water and goddamn used tampons, spraying 00:05:50.690 --> 00:05:56.970 up out of your fucking washing machine drain pipe, and all over the fucking room, destroying 00:05:56.970 --> 00:06:01.730 your collection of books that you've been putting together for the last 25 years, maybe 00:06:01.730 --> 00:06:08.090 annihilating some of your vintage fucking computer systems, seeping into the walls, soaking 00:06:08.090 --> 00:06:14.290 up into the fucking sheet rock, getting into your insulation, whole turds and bits of fucking 00:06:14.290 --> 00:06:20.090 toilet paper running all over your basement furniture, seeping, being under the wall into 00:06:20.090 --> 00:06:26.930 the tool room just off the garage, soaking your pressure washer, and your chainsaw. 00:06:26.930 --> 00:06:33.450 Using your vintage wooden ladder, and your box of screws that you'll probably never use, 00:06:33.450 --> 00:06:40.450 human feces intermingling within circling around your collection of half used cans of paint, 00:06:40.450 --> 00:06:48.050 and slowly creeping and crawling its way over to your studio equipment that you used to produce 00:06:48.050 --> 00:06:52.890 a podcast that you really enjoy making. 00:06:52.890 --> 00:06:53.890 Sewer clog. 00:06:53.890 --> 00:06:55.850 That's what happened to me yesterday. 00:06:55.850 --> 00:06:59.490 I woke up, I decided I was going to go down to lows not to lose because I'm doing a 00:06:59.490 --> 00:07:02.570 bit of a home improvement project upstairs. 00:07:02.570 --> 00:07:07.690 I start my truck because it's cold as shit outside, I go outside, I get in the truck, 00:07:07.690 --> 00:07:09.090 and then I go. 00:07:09.090 --> 00:07:15.090 When I come back though I walked up in the house and I could detect a faint odor. 00:07:15.090 --> 00:07:20.050 Something wasn't quite right, I couldn't really put my finger on what it was, all I knew 00:07:20.050 --> 00:07:23.410 was my house, doesn't smell like this. 00:07:23.410 --> 00:07:26.170 I didn't know what had happened while I was gone. 00:07:26.170 --> 00:07:31.450 I walked into the kitchen, I walked into the upstairs bathrooms, I walked into the bedrooms 00:07:31.450 --> 00:07:38.250 looking for the culprit that could bring this foul odor into my fucking house. 00:07:38.250 --> 00:07:42.570 Finally I walked downstairs, and I get about halfway down the stairs and I notice the 00:07:42.570 --> 00:07:47.690 color of the tile is not quite what I remember it being. 00:07:47.690 --> 00:07:53.810 I hadn't been downstairs in a couple of days, but I didn't remember it being that color. 00:07:53.810 --> 00:07:58.730 And upon closer inspection I realized I could no longer see the tile. 00:07:58.730 --> 00:08:05.730 The tile was being obscured by the goddamn three inch deep fucking pool of fucking water 00:08:05.730 --> 00:08:08.170 that had ran over the tile. 00:08:08.170 --> 00:08:12.850 Holy shit, I immediately thought to myself what the fuck is happening, the goddamn hot 00:08:12.850 --> 00:08:19.450 water heater blew up, son of a bitch, and then the smell hit me again, except stronger 00:08:19.450 --> 00:08:23.010 this time, and I immediately knew what it was. 00:08:23.010 --> 00:08:28.610 And the walls came crashing in around me, and the ceiling started getting lower and lower 00:08:28.610 --> 00:08:31.990 and lower, and there were spots in my fucking vision. 00:08:31.990 --> 00:08:37.210 As I was getting close for the first time in my life to descending into a full blown fucking 00:08:37.210 --> 00:08:42.210 panic attack, a fucking clogged sewer, a clogged sewer. 00:08:42.210 --> 00:08:46.250 That's something that I'd never fucking had happened to me before, but I'd read about 00:08:46.250 --> 00:08:50.770 it, I'd heard about it, I'd heard other people talk about it, and the fucking look of horror 00:08:50.770 --> 00:08:56.970 in their eyes, spent horror, horror from a lifetime ago, because that clogged sewer was 00:08:56.970 --> 00:09:02.290 a watershed moment in their lives, and when they came out the other side of the fucking 00:09:02.290 --> 00:09:07.610 clogged sewer debacle, they were never the same, they were a different person entirely, they 00:09:07.610 --> 00:09:11.970 had seen things, they had had to touch things, they had done things. 00:09:12.370 --> 00:09:15.010 That they never thought that they would have to do. 00:09:15.010 --> 00:09:21.610 The clogged sewer took something from them, and replaced it with something primal, animalistic, 00:09:21.610 --> 00:09:28.250 the event that singular event in their lives turned them into a different person, if person 00:09:28.250 --> 00:09:32.610 is what they can be called anymore, and here I was in the grips of it, in the midst 00:09:32.610 --> 00:09:33.750 of 00:09:33.750 --> 00:09:40.510 deal myself changing, devolving, right there, standing halfway down my staircase, I could 00:09:40.510 --> 00:09:46.510 feel it happening to me, I could feel it, I could feel myself becoming the fucking person 00:09:46.510 --> 00:09:52.710 who was getting ready to have to sift through all of their fucking belongings, and figure 00:09:52.710 --> 00:09:58.550 out whether they're worth keeping, washing or trying to preserve, because at this very 00:09:58.550 --> 00:10:04.550 fucking moment, they're literally soaking in human shit. 00:10:05.550 --> 00:10:19.550 A soup, if you will, a soup whose main ingredients are water, urine, shit, snot, come and fucking 00:10:19.550 --> 00:10:28.510 a festering oozing fucking grayish liquid that has stuff floating in it, is currently in 00:10:28.510 --> 00:10:34.950 around on and under everything I fucking own. 00:10:34.950 --> 00:10:39.230 That mother fucker is home ownership. 00:10:39.230 --> 00:10:43.230 At its fucking bare bones nakedist. 00:10:43.230 --> 00:10:45.750 That is what home ownership actually is. 00:10:45.750 --> 00:10:51.750 The American fucking dream is walking downstairs, because you're in the middle of a project, upstairs 00:10:51.750 --> 00:10:57.070 you walk downstairs, because you catch a fucking odor, and you realize that everything 00:10:57.070 --> 00:11:03.150 you fucking own, including the fucking house, that you've paid untold thousands and hundreds 00:11:15.750 --> 00:11:20.710 of people by flushing it or washing it down the fucking drain. 00:11:20.710 --> 00:11:22.710 That's home ownership. 00:11:22.710 --> 00:11:26.710 I'm literally sitting in my fucking studio right now. 00:11:26.710 --> 00:11:32.790 Studio heavier quotes, it's a tool room, it's a tool room with concrete walls, okay? 00:11:32.790 --> 00:11:39.270 Underneath my kitchen, sitting here with my feet on a folding chair, and my ass in 00:11:39.270 --> 00:11:46.190 a lawn chair, talking into a microphone that's mounted to a work bench, and running into 00:11:46.190 --> 00:11:54.070 a computer that is at this very moment sitting on a bar stool, and directly beneath all 00:11:54.070 --> 00:11:59.990 of these things that I have to have in order to make missing through a radio or reality, 00:11:59.990 --> 00:12:05.150 is an inch and a half of sewer water. 00:12:05.150 --> 00:12:07.910 It smells like wolf ass in here. 00:12:07.910 --> 00:12:12.470 I'm going to take you through what's happened since I had this realization. 00:12:12.470 --> 00:12:20.870 Now, I know what you're probably thinking besides, you're probably thinking why Lorenzo, are 00:12:20.870 --> 00:12:27.670 you sitting and recording an episode of Missing Through Up Radio when you should be cleaning 00:12:27.670 --> 00:12:29.150 up shit water? 00:12:29.150 --> 00:12:36.070 Well, I'm glad you asked, because I had to get this moment immortalized. 00:12:36.070 --> 00:12:43.990 I had to get this moment recorded because I wanted you to know in this, when I'm fucking 00:12:43.990 --> 00:12:50.830 most vulnerable, I wanted you to fucking hear what the breaking of a human being sounds 00:12:50.830 --> 00:12:51.830 like. 00:12:51.830 --> 00:12:52.650 I don't know what I'm going to 00:12:52.650 --> 00:12:57.470 to do because this is the most horrifying thing to me, okay? 00:12:57.470 --> 00:12:59.190 The stuff is what it is. 00:12:59.190 --> 00:13:00.190 I don't care. 00:13:00.190 --> 00:13:02.150 Yes, it's seeping into my chain saw. 00:13:02.150 --> 00:13:04.150 That sucks, right? 00:13:04.150 --> 00:13:07.910 Yes, it's destroying all of my stuff. 00:13:07.910 --> 00:13:08.910 It is. 00:13:08.910 --> 00:13:15.590 I have literal piss shit come blood and fucking dish water soaking into all of my shit right 00:13:15.590 --> 00:13:16.590 now. 00:13:16.590 --> 00:13:20.990 Yes, and I'm getting ready to stop doing this and I'm getting ready to go and start cleaning 00:13:20.990 --> 00:13:21.990 it. 00:13:21.990 --> 00:13:23.230 But what I wanted to do here, this 00:13:23.230 --> 00:13:26.110 this is the fucking most horrible part for me. 00:13:26.110 --> 00:13:33.710 I don't know if this is my shit beneath me. 00:13:33.710 --> 00:13:39.350 Right now, I'm looking at a toilet paper wrapped turd. 00:13:39.350 --> 00:13:43.270 Just underneath my feet, I'm looking at a toilet paper wrapped turd right there on the 00:13:43.270 --> 00:13:44.950 fucking ground. 00:13:44.950 --> 00:13:51.550 And I don't know if it's mine because the way this fucking works, the way the sewer system 00:13:51.550 --> 00:13:56.790 works, the way this all and fucking raffles, everything's interconnected, right? 00:13:56.790 --> 00:14:04.870 And if the city who has been doing work behind the house back there, if they cut the fucking 00:14:04.870 --> 00:14:12.230 sewer line, what I have rolling into my house right now is not mine. 00:14:12.230 --> 00:14:17.670 If they did something back there and it's not actually a clogged and it is in fact a problem 00:14:17.670 --> 00:14:25.790 with the sewer system, that toilet paper wrapped turd, just below my feet right there, it 00:14:25.790 --> 00:14:27.550 isn't mine. 00:14:27.550 --> 00:14:32.350 That that belongs to someone else that came from somebody else's ass, okay? 00:14:32.350 --> 00:14:34.950 Up the road, a ways. 00:14:34.950 --> 00:14:36.190 You see what I'm saying here? 00:14:36.190 --> 00:14:37.710 So I'm freaking out. 00:14:37.710 --> 00:14:40.750 If it sounds like I'm freaking out, it's because I am. 00:14:40.750 --> 00:14:42.390 Because I'm not sure that this is mine. 00:14:42.390 --> 00:14:48.230 And I don't really know, I don't study feminine hygiene products like that, but I promise 00:14:48.230 --> 00:14:53.430 you that there's a fucking tampon in my goddamn family room and there's nobody here who 00:14:53.430 --> 00:14:54.990 uses those. 00:14:54.990 --> 00:14:56.510 That's home ownership. 00:14:56.510 --> 00:14:58.270 That's literally home ownership. 00:14:58.270 --> 00:15:00.310 In a nutshell, that's what it is. 00:15:00.310 --> 00:15:17.510 Yes, I am definitely in a place that 00:15:47.510 --> 00:15:56.990 I'm not sure that I'm buying it. 00:15:56.990 --> 00:16:03.710 And then I read little blurbs that millennials and generation Z folks are just not trying to buy 00:16:03.710 --> 00:16:04.710 houses anymore. 00:16:04.710 --> 00:16:06.910 It started out because they couldn't afford them, right? 00:16:06.910 --> 00:16:08.190 They couldn't afford a fucking house. 00:16:08.190 --> 00:16:09.550 The interest rates are fucked. 00:16:09.550 --> 00:16:11.230 The economy's trash. 00:16:11.230 --> 00:16:16.430 We just can't afford houses, but now I think they're starting to see and more people are 00:16:16.430 --> 00:16:20.430 avoiding home ownership because of shit like this. 00:16:20.430 --> 00:16:21.950 This happens in your apartment. 00:16:21.950 --> 00:16:25.590 You just fucking call the landlord and they come and fix it. 00:16:25.590 --> 00:16:29.310 Their insurance company cuts you a check for the shit that you lost. 00:16:29.310 --> 00:16:31.710 And if they don't, you fucking sue them. 00:16:31.710 --> 00:16:34.230 Yeah, you pay a little more. 00:16:34.230 --> 00:16:37.670 You know, a mortgage, oddly enough, is cheaper than rent. 00:16:37.670 --> 00:16:40.270 Didn't used to be that way, but it's that way now. 00:16:40.270 --> 00:16:42.950 A mortgage is cheaper than rent. 00:16:42.950 --> 00:16:46.110 But you have peace of mind. 00:16:46.110 --> 00:16:50.630 And you're renting that you simply don't have as a homeowner. 00:16:50.630 --> 00:16:54.510 I'm sitting in the middle of a lake of other people's shit. 00:16:54.510 --> 00:16:57.830 I think it's other people's shit. 00:16:57.830 --> 00:17:03.030 I think it's entirely possible that it's other people's piss and shit. 00:17:03.030 --> 00:17:06.070 I'm sitting in a lake of that and it's my fucking problem. 00:17:06.070 --> 00:17:07.230 I got to work this shit out. 00:17:07.230 --> 00:17:08.710 I'm getting ready to go do that now. 00:17:08.810 --> 00:17:12.270 I'm going to stop recording here in a few minutes and I'm going to go and I'm 00:17:12.270 --> 00:17:17.070 going to start depissing, shitting and fucking tamponing my house. 00:17:17.070 --> 00:17:23.990 And then I'm going to go rent industrial fans and to try to dry everything out after I scrub 00:17:23.990 --> 00:17:29.750 everything down with vinegar and bleach and fucking all the dish soap I can find. 00:17:29.750 --> 00:17:31.750 That's home ownership. 00:17:31.750 --> 00:17:36.270 There's a tree out back that is god damn enormous and it looks like it's been hit by lightning 00:17:36.270 --> 00:17:41.270 at some point and it's slowly but surely leaning a little bit more and a little bit more. 00:17:41.270 --> 00:17:45.110 And eventually it's going to fall and it's going to kill the neighbors. 00:17:45.110 --> 00:17:48.850 But it's going to cost me about three dollars to have it pulled out because the tree so 00:17:48.850 --> 00:17:50.290 god damn big. 00:17:50.290 --> 00:17:54.590 But if I don't and it falls and kills the neighbors I'm going to jail or something I don't know 00:17:54.590 --> 00:17:56.670 exactly what's going to happen to me but it's going to be terrible. 00:17:56.670 --> 00:17:58.550 I don't care about the neighbors fuck them. 00:17:58.550 --> 00:17:59.550 Let them die. 00:17:59.550 --> 00:18:00.550 Who gives a shit? 00:18:00.550 --> 00:18:01.990 They're going to die one way or the other anyway. 00:18:01.990 --> 00:18:04.470 Why not let a tree do it and make it noteworthy? 00:18:04.470 --> 00:18:06.310 But I don't want it to be my tree. 00:18:06.310 --> 00:18:11.410 So if I don't do anything they're going to fucking die and that's I am assuming my life 00:18:11.410 --> 00:18:12.410 will go to shit after that. 00:18:12.410 --> 00:18:17.530 Nobody's going to let me get off scot free for having one of my trees kill my neighbors. 00:18:17.530 --> 00:18:21.530 But in order for me to have it removed because I can't do it myself because it's so 00:18:21.530 --> 00:18:25.190 god damn enormous it's going to cost me three thousand dollars. 00:18:25.190 --> 00:18:27.590 That's home ownership. 00:18:27.590 --> 00:18:29.550 In a nutshell that's what it is. 00:18:29.550 --> 00:18:30.830 It's backed up sewers. 00:18:30.830 --> 00:18:32.810 It's cleaning fucking carpets. 00:18:32.810 --> 00:18:38.030 It's having to power wash fucking sidewalks sidewalks and it's removing trees at great personal 00:18:54.250 --> 00:18:55.090 one who comes after me. 00:18:55.090 --> 00:18:56.090 Fuck them. 00:18:56.090 --> 00:18:57.090 Let them find their own way. 00:18:57.090 --> 00:19:00.450 Why is it my responsibility to build a legacy for them? 00:19:00.450 --> 00:19:01.450 Fuck them. 00:19:01.450 --> 00:19:02.450 Nobody did that for me. 00:19:02.450 --> 00:19:05.010 Well you're just throwing that money away if you don't own it. 00:19:05.010 --> 00:19:06.310 Okay what do you mean by that? 00:19:06.310 --> 00:19:07.310 I gotta live somewhere. 00:19:07.310 --> 00:19:12.250 You know what if I get a fucking sell this house at some point and make a piss pot of money 00:19:12.250 --> 00:19:13.890 and go do what? 00:19:13.890 --> 00:19:16.370 Buy another fucking place that's a problem. 00:19:16.370 --> 00:19:17.370 I don't know man. 00:19:17.370 --> 00:19:22.290 I'm just saying this this renting thing is starting to look real fucking good to me. 00:19:22.290 --> 00:19:26.170 Yes I am giving somebody a piss pot of money and I'm not going to get anything in return 00:19:26.170 --> 00:19:27.770 but fucking so what? 00:19:28.770 --> 00:19:32.890 With the money I have left over I'm not doing improvement projects. 00:19:32.890 --> 00:19:35.930 So what if I don't like the fucking cabinets who gives a shit. 00:19:35.930 --> 00:19:40.170 I get to fucking sign that lease move all my shit in there and just live and if there's 00:19:40.170 --> 00:19:43.770 a fucking problem I make it somebody else's fucking problem. 00:19:43.770 --> 00:19:45.730 I'm seeing the appeal here. 00:19:45.730 --> 00:19:52.170 I'm seeing the fucking allure as I'm sitting here stifled by the stench of a fucking lake 00:19:52.170 --> 00:19:53.170 free. 00:19:53.170 --> 00:19:54.170 It's not even a lake. 00:19:54.170 --> 00:19:56.010 It's a free flowing river. 00:19:56.010 --> 00:20:01.370 A fucking sewer water that's running through my fucking personal property and my personal 00:20:01.370 --> 00:20:02.770 space right now. 00:20:02.770 --> 00:20:11.450 I'm seeing the fucking appeal of being the fucking toilet paper wrapped turd that there is a 00:20:11.450 --> 00:20:15.930 fairly decent chance to not come from my ass. 00:20:15.930 --> 00:20:23.730 I'm seeing the appeal of not being a homeowner anymore. 00:20:23.730 --> 00:20:24.730 I got to stop this. 00:20:24.730 --> 00:20:27.890 I got to do cleanup. 00:20:27.890 --> 00:20:33.650 You know what having a smooth brain causes a bunch of mouth breathing slack jawed in bread 00:20:33.650 --> 00:20:35.770 retards. 00:20:35.770 --> 00:20:39.050 You do not hate the media enough. 00:20:39.050 --> 00:20:43.130 Utterly worthless bloated pasty sack of guts. 00:20:43.130 --> 00:20:47.170 Yeah yeah I'm an ass time a phoenix. 00:20:47.170 --> 00:20:50.330 That would probably hurt if I actually respected your opinion. 00:20:50.330 --> 00:20:52.130 The left is a death cult. 00:20:52.130 --> 00:20:53.130 That's all it is. 00:20:53.130 --> 00:21:00.330 They do not value the 00:21:00.330 --> 00:21:10.290 at this point I think I've put out enough episodes of Miss Enthorough radio for you to 00:21:10.290 --> 00:21:15.210 infer that I'm not the type of person to go to shopping malls. 00:21:15.210 --> 00:21:17.250 And you would be wrong. 00:21:17.250 --> 00:21:18.250 Dead wrong. 00:21:18.250 --> 00:21:20.250 I love me a good Commission. 00:21:20.250 --> 00:21:24.330 Every opportunity I get to go to the fucking mall I go. 00:21:24.330 --> 00:21:26.690 Seems completely out of character doesn't it? 00:21:26.690 --> 00:21:28.530 Miss Enthrop is in the name. 00:21:28.530 --> 00:21:34.050 However, the reason I love to go to shopping malls will probably make sense to you. 00:21:34.050 --> 00:21:36.170 I love to fucking people watch. 00:21:36.170 --> 00:21:43.090 I love more than anything else to sit and observe the absurdity of human behavior. 00:21:43.090 --> 00:21:45.410 And I love a good fucking food court. 00:21:45.410 --> 00:21:50.570 And is it about a shopping mall food court that makes me psychologically give a pass to the 00:21:50.570 --> 00:21:53.170 fucking shit quality of food you find there? 00:21:53.170 --> 00:21:54.970 I fucking love it though. 00:21:54.970 --> 00:21:56.850 I love the shitty cookie places. 00:21:56.850 --> 00:22:02.210 I love the fucking nasty Chinese joint with that fucking broad out there handing out orange 00:22:02.210 --> 00:22:03.810 chicken on a toothpick. 00:22:03.810 --> 00:22:09.290 But the pen ultimate restaurant experience in any fucking shopping mall food court is the 00:22:09.290 --> 00:22:12.010 Lebanese slash Greek place. 00:22:12.010 --> 00:22:16.930 You find invariably in the very back of the food court. 00:22:16.930 --> 00:22:18.530 I was in the Navy a long time. 00:22:18.530 --> 00:22:19.770 I've been to the Middle East. 00:22:19.770 --> 00:22:24.410 I don't know how many fucking times probably been to Dubai. 00:22:24.410 --> 00:22:26.890 Fifteen times maybe even more. 00:22:26.890 --> 00:22:31.930 And I've often said the only thing I miss about the Middle East is the food. 00:22:31.930 --> 00:22:32.930 That's it. 00:22:32.930 --> 00:22:33.930 Everything else there sucks. 00:22:33.930 --> 00:22:36.090 It's beige and it sucks ass. 00:22:36.090 --> 00:22:41.330 But the food my god the fucking food the shwarma and the euros in particular make me keep 00:22:41.330 --> 00:22:43.570 my passport updated. 00:22:43.570 --> 00:22:48.090 One of these days I promise you I will hop a plane and fly to the fucking Middle East 00:22:48.090 --> 00:22:50.930 just to fucking eat my weight in shwarma. 00:22:50.930 --> 00:22:53.130 That day unfortunately has not come yet. 00:22:53.130 --> 00:22:58.530 So I am relegated to Greek and Lebanese places I can find out in town. 00:22:58.530 --> 00:23:03.210 In my neck of the woods the Greek slash Lebanese place at the shopping mall is about all 00:23:03.210 --> 00:23:05.010 I have to choose from. 00:23:05.010 --> 00:23:08.050 And they don't disappoint to be completely honest with you. 00:23:08.050 --> 00:23:10.410 Yeah I love a good year old gyro. 00:23:10.410 --> 00:23:13.650 However you want to fucking say it I fucking love them. 00:23:13.650 --> 00:23:15.970 The warm grilled pita bread. 00:23:15.970 --> 00:23:16.970 The mystery meat. 00:23:16.970 --> 00:23:18.930 I have no idea what it is. 00:23:18.930 --> 00:23:22.810 Thinly fucking sliced and slapped on a grill just to finish it off. 00:23:22.810 --> 00:23:25.530 The onions that are entirely too fucking strong. 00:23:25.530 --> 00:23:29.330 The tomatoes that are a little bit too red to be believed. 00:23:29.330 --> 00:23:30.690 And the toziki sauce. 00:23:30.690 --> 00:23:31.690 I fucking love it. 00:23:31.690 --> 00:23:36.730 I know it involves garlic and I know it involves cucumber and I know that the base for it 00:23:36.730 --> 00:23:38.970 is Greek yogurt or some shit like that. 00:23:38.970 --> 00:23:42.170 But I've never been able to recreate it successfully. 00:23:42.170 --> 00:23:43.810 Something about fucking toziki sauce. 00:23:43.810 --> 00:23:45.490 I just fucking love it. 00:23:45.490 --> 00:23:48.090 Even though it ruins my breath for the. 00:23:48.090 --> 00:23:49.290 Give me a fucking year old. 00:23:49.290 --> 00:23:51.730 I fucking love. 00:23:51.730 --> 00:23:52.730 Eros. 00:23:52.730 --> 00:23:55.410 So I found myself around Christmas time in a shopping mall. 00:23:55.410 --> 00:23:56.810 It was two o'clock in the afternoon. 00:23:56.810 --> 00:23:57.890 I was in my window. 00:23:57.890 --> 00:24:03.130 I do that thing called intermittent fasting, where I don't eat basically from dinner until 00:24:03.130 --> 00:24:06.050 one thirty two o'clock in the afternoon. 00:24:06.050 --> 00:24:11.010 So by the time I got to the mall and got near the food court, I was fucking starving. 00:24:11.010 --> 00:24:14.470 I ran the corner to the food court there's all the people piled up waiting to get to 00:24:14.470 --> 00:24:18.750 fucking chick filet and the fucking McDonald's that's there and the little fish and chips 00:24:18.750 --> 00:24:23.650 place in the nasty fucking Chinese joint all the way in the back though. 00:24:23.650 --> 00:24:24.650 There's my target. 00:24:24.650 --> 00:24:26.250 That's what I'm looking for. 00:24:26.250 --> 00:24:31.890 The Mediterranean slash Greek place that no one is currently waiting in front of. 00:24:31.890 --> 00:24:34.090 I make a fucking b line directly towards it. 00:24:34.090 --> 00:24:35.610 I'm so fucking excited. 00:24:35.610 --> 00:24:38.290 And I'm absolutely goddamn starving. 00:24:38.290 --> 00:24:42.730 Like I said at this point in the day, I get back over to them and he's waiting for me with 00:24:42.730 --> 00:24:45.690 a smile on his fucking mail Eastern face. 00:24:45.690 --> 00:24:47.770 He asks me what I want. 00:24:47.770 --> 00:24:53.430 I say that I would like a jumbo Euro plate, which is a Euro with extra meat, two cups of 00:24:53.430 --> 00:24:58.010 taziki sauce and an extra generous helping of the fucking steak fries. 00:24:58.010 --> 00:25:00.770 I stand there kind of bouncing in place while they're preparing it. 00:25:00.770 --> 00:25:04.570 I'm watching the cook car of the meat down off of that thing. 00:25:04.570 --> 00:25:08.110 I don't know what the fuck it's called and finish it on the grill while the other guy 00:25:08.110 --> 00:25:12.210 gets the pita bread and the onions and the tomatoes ready to go. 00:25:12.210 --> 00:25:13.930 He dumps the meat on the rest of the sandwich. 00:25:13.930 --> 00:25:18.070 The guy folds it over, wraps it in a piece of paper, puts it inside the styrofoam container 00:25:18.070 --> 00:25:20.610 with the fries and hands it to me. 00:25:20.610 --> 00:25:22.130 I'm in fucking heaven. 00:25:22.130 --> 00:25:27.770 I'm not so patiently walk over to the table, sit down and absolutely fucking devour my 00:25:27.770 --> 00:25:29.410 well-earned lunch. 00:25:29.410 --> 00:25:32.650 Christmas time at the shopping mall is kind of fucking awful. 00:25:32.650 --> 00:25:37.610 As you can imagine, it's just a few days before Christmas and the place is absolutely jam 00:25:37.610 --> 00:25:39.530 packed with fucking people. 00:25:39.530 --> 00:25:43.970 I quickly annihilate the meal and then I sit there and turn to my second favorite thing 00:25:43.970 --> 00:25:47.690 to do at shopping malls around Christmas time. 00:25:47.690 --> 00:25:53.490 I people watch observing the ridiculousness and the absurdity of humans in their natural 00:25:53.490 --> 00:25:54.490 state. 00:25:54.490 --> 00:26:00.650 I'm thoroughly enjoying myself, however, to be fair and in the interest of full disclosure, 00:26:00.650 --> 00:26:06.330 I sitting here at this table is not simply just to watch the absurdity of human behavior. 00:26:06.330 --> 00:26:08.010 It's also strategic. 00:26:08.010 --> 00:26:15.050 I have shopping that I have to do here today, but as much as I love Euros, they don't 00:26:15.050 --> 00:26:17.570 love me all that much. 00:26:17.570 --> 00:26:21.490 And I know that I'm going to have to make a quick escape to the bathroom in the next 00:26:21.490 --> 00:26:23.210 10 minutes or so. 00:26:23.210 --> 00:26:24.370 Why get up? 00:26:24.370 --> 00:26:29.890 Walk all the way down to the store just to have this Euro hit bottom, so to speak, and 00:26:29.890 --> 00:26:48.130 have me turn around and immediately scramble 00:26:59.890 --> 00:27:15.490 to the bathroom. 00:27:15.490 --> 00:27:20.610 Now I will say this about this particular shopping mall, they take their fucking bathrooms 00:27:20.610 --> 00:27:21.610 seriously. 00:27:21.610 --> 00:27:25.890 They're almost like Middle Eastern bathrooms except there's actually a commode rather than 00:27:25.890 --> 00:27:28.850 just a fucking hole in the floor with a garden hose. 00:27:28.850 --> 00:27:34.650 But what I'm saying is that in this particular shopping mall bathroom, you have actual privacy. 00:27:34.650 --> 00:27:39.450 It's not the half two thirds wall thing that we have going on normally with the metal doors 00:27:39.450 --> 00:27:40.930 and shit like that. 00:27:40.930 --> 00:27:45.530 These are proper walls and the doors go all the way to the floor. 00:27:45.530 --> 00:27:50.570 So when you close the door behind you in one of their stalls, you have a degree of privacy 00:27:50.570 --> 00:27:55.690 that you simply don't get from most American public bathrooms. 00:27:55.690 --> 00:28:01.250 I'm round the corner to walk into the men's bathroom and I'm greeted by no less than 12 00:28:01.250 --> 00:28:04.210 stalls and about 8 urinals. 00:28:04.210 --> 00:28:08.410 There's quite a few people in there but there's a stall in the corner that I'm aiming for. 00:28:08.410 --> 00:28:09.690 I see that it's open. 00:28:09.690 --> 00:28:13.770 I beeline directly towards it again casually but efficiently. 00:28:13.770 --> 00:28:19.530 I only have seconds left, seconds until I'm going to need to be in place and ready 00:28:19.530 --> 00:28:20.890 for the eruption. 00:28:20.890 --> 00:28:25.210 I walk into the bathroom stall,gavel turn around to close the door with the most casual 00:28:25.210 --> 00:28:26.210 face I can muster. 00:28:26.210 --> 00:28:29.530 I can feel the sweat starting to form on my forehead. 00:28:29.530 --> 00:28:33.250 I can feel my hands starting to shake and get a little clammy. 00:28:33.250 --> 00:28:35.130 This is going to be a fucking bad one. 00:28:35.130 --> 00:28:39.970 I close the door, immediately get to working on my buckle in my belt and finally get set 00:28:39.970 --> 00:28:44.530 down on the toilet just in time for the anal explosion to occur. 00:28:44.530 --> 00:28:50.050 An audible pap could be heard as my bowels just started emptying all over the inside of 00:28:50.050 --> 00:28:52.930 that poor, unsuspecting toilet. 00:28:52.930 --> 00:28:55.970 With the initial explosion behind me I settled in. 00:28:55.970 --> 00:28:59.370 I put in my earbuds and turned on my noise cancelling. 00:28:59.370 --> 00:29:06.170 It's not that I 00:29:06.170 --> 00:29:11.170 necessarily mind the Christmas music that's coming through the fucking speaker in the bathroom. 00:29:11.170 --> 00:29:13.170 It's everyone else in there that bothers me. 00:29:13.170 --> 00:29:13.330 I don't have stage fright necessarily but I also don't love being reminded by the sounds 00:29:13.330 --> 00:29:18.410 of people having full blown conversations in the bathroom that I am in fact shitting 00:29:18.410 --> 00:29:21.490 my guts out in a public place. 00:29:21.490 --> 00:29:23.370 Everything is right in the world. 00:29:23.370 --> 00:29:24.690 I got my hero. 00:29:24.690 --> 00:29:28.010 I made it to the bathroom without shit in my fucking pants. 00:29:28.010 --> 00:29:30.490 I got the initial explosion out of the way. 00:29:30.490 --> 00:29:35.090 I am in a very private stall in a well-maintained bathroom. 00:29:35.090 --> 00:29:38.530 I have about six hours before the place closes. 00:29:38.530 --> 00:29:40.050 I know what I'm here for. 00:29:40.050 --> 00:29:45.570 I know what I'm going to get and before too long once nature takes its course I will 00:29:45.570 --> 00:29:50.090 be out of this fucking mall and back into the real world. 00:29:50.090 --> 00:29:51.610 Nothing can fuck with me. 00:29:51.610 --> 00:29:54.410 Everything seems to be trending in the right direction. 00:29:54.410 --> 00:29:59.570 And at that exact moment the universe decided that things were in fact going too well for 00:29:59.570 --> 00:30:02.370 me and it was time to throw me a curveball. 00:30:02.370 --> 00:30:04.290 My stomach started rumbling again. 00:30:04.290 --> 00:30:08.890 I realized this wasn't going to be a gentle fucking defecation session. 00:30:08.890 --> 00:30:11.970 After the initial blast this was something different. 00:30:11.970 --> 00:30:13.930 This was something more violent. 00:30:13.930 --> 00:30:16.570 This was something not okay. 00:30:16.570 --> 00:30:24.690 I felt that familiar pull and that familiar cramp that told me that shit was all of a sudden 00:30:24.690 --> 00:30:28.730 my guts just started evacuating. 00:30:28.730 --> 00:30:31.730 A non-stop stream of fecal matter. 00:30:31.730 --> 00:30:33.890 I was holding onto the fucking side of the toilet. 00:30:33.890 --> 00:30:36.450 I dropped my phone 00:30:36.450 --> 00:30:39.890 phone onto the ground and here's where the universe stepped in yet again. 00:30:39.890 --> 00:30:45.940 I shifted a little bit too much and all of a sudden 00:30:45.940 --> 00:30:49.140 the goddamn automatic toilet fucking flushed. 00:30:49.140 --> 00:30:55.700 And blue water all over my fucking ass all up between my fucking legs all over the backside 00:30:55.700 --> 00:30:59.620 of my fucking testicles and all over my fucking jeans. 00:30:59.620 --> 00:31:03.700 Dirty brown fucking Mediterranean Euro shit water. 00:31:03.700 --> 00:31:09.700 Just flew all over my fucking backside all over my fucking balls and all over my fucking 00:31:09.700 --> 00:31:10.700 jeans. 00:31:10.700 --> 00:31:12.020 Holy shit! 00:31:12.020 --> 00:31:13.700 What the fuck just happened? 00:31:13.700 --> 00:31:18.540 I'm freaking out and apparently I moved just a little bit fucking too much and the automatic 00:31:18.540 --> 00:31:24.620 toilet fucking went off again and sprayed fucking water all over my ass all over my fucking thighs. 00:31:24.620 --> 00:31:30.460 It came out from between my legs in a fucking geyser of dirty brown shit water all down 00:31:30.460 --> 00:31:33.460 the front of my fucking legs all over my brand new booths. 00:31:33.460 --> 00:31:35.860 I even got some in my fucking beard. 00:31:35.860 --> 00:31:40.180 When I felt the fucking water droplets hit my face I flinched backwards involuntarily 00:31:40.180 --> 00:31:43.460 and the fucking automatic toilet went off again. 00:31:43.460 --> 00:31:48.020 The flowing fucking water out to sides all up the fucking between my legs to shit in my 00:31:48.020 --> 00:31:49.020 fucking hair now. 00:31:49.020 --> 00:31:54.020 I've got water droplets on my fucking glasses dripping off the fucking tip of my nose. 00:31:54.020 --> 00:31:56.020 There's nothing I can fucking do I'm trapped. 00:31:56.020 --> 00:31:59.380 I can't fucking move and I know I can't fucking stay here. 00:31:59.380 --> 00:32:00.820 I can't fucking be here. 00:32:00.820 --> 00:32:03.020 What the fuck on a madhouse is this? 00:32:03.020 --> 00:32:07.820 I'm fucking screaming at the top of my lungs now because this is the third, fourth, fifth 00:32:07.820 --> 00:32:08.820 I don't know. 00:32:08.820 --> 00:32:12.980 Third, fourth or fifth flush because it's not just a fucking normal toilet. 00:32:12.980 --> 00:32:16.940 If you haven't figured that out by now it's one of those automatic toilets that gives 00:32:16.940 --> 00:32:18.460 a little bit backed back. 00:32:18.460 --> 00:32:19.460 You know what I'm saying? 00:32:19.460 --> 00:32:21.740 There's something fucking wrong with it. 00:32:21.740 --> 00:32:26.180 There's something wrong in the internal mechanism where the design of the fucking toilet bowl 00:32:26.180 --> 00:32:28.420 maybe the water is too fucking violent. 00:32:28.420 --> 00:32:29.660 I don't know what it is. 00:32:29.660 --> 00:32:34.260 All I know is that every time it fucking flushes it's like old fucking faithful all over 00:32:42.980 --> 00:32:46.260 and again and again and again. 00:32:46.260 --> 00:32:47.580 There's nothing I can fucking do. 00:32:47.580 --> 00:32:51.300 I'm absolutely at the mercy of this fucking automatic toilet. 00:32:51.300 --> 00:32:56.580 If I move too much I get another fucking spray but less we forget I haven't been able to 00:32:56.580 --> 00:32:57.780 stop shitting. 00:32:57.780 --> 00:33:01.940 The universe fucked me twice not only did it put me on this fucking bowl that has a mind 00:33:01.940 --> 00:33:07.140 of its own and is obviously a bit of a fucking massacast but my fucking baffles are just 00:33:07.140 --> 00:33:12.180 constantly emptying so I'm feeding this fucking toilet ammunition to blow up all over 00:33:12.180 --> 00:33:14.620 me and the fucking walls and everything else. 00:33:14.620 --> 00:33:16.500 I've got shit water dripping off the door. 00:33:16.500 --> 00:33:18.620 I think that may be a piece of corn. 00:33:18.620 --> 00:33:20.380 I haven't eaten corn in weeks. 00:33:20.380 --> 00:33:22.980 At this point I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. 00:33:22.980 --> 00:33:23.980 I've devolved. 00:33:23.980 --> 00:33:28.940 I've degenerated into a fucking animal and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. 00:33:28.940 --> 00:33:35.540 Tell me tell me tell me there was a guy knocking on the door about four flushes ago but 00:33:35.540 --> 00:33:38.300 now he's beating on the door screaming. 00:33:38.300 --> 00:33:39.300 Can I help you? 00:33:39.300 --> 00:33:40.300 Is there something wrong? 00:33:40.300 --> 00:33:42.140 Do you require assistance? 00:33:42.140 --> 00:33:50.860 And the only thing I can fucking scream back at him is kill me kill me kill me kill me. 00:33:50.860 --> 00:33:52.740 This is a fucking nightmare. 00:33:52.740 --> 00:33:57.380 After about 14 flushes I finally realized that this problem is not going to fucking solve 00:33:57.380 --> 00:33:59.580 itself with me freaking out. 00:33:59.580 --> 00:34:05.420 My bowels finally seem to have fucking ran out of things to put into the toilet so it can 00:34:05.420 --> 00:34:07.700 then throw it back at me. 00:34:07.700 --> 00:34:12.620 And I finally come to my senses and realize I've got to stop. 00:34:12.620 --> 00:34:13.620 I've got to stop. 00:34:13.620 --> 00:34:14.620 I've got to stop. 00:34:14.620 --> 00:34:19.520 Every time I move this sensor on this fucking automatic toilet thinks that I'm getting up 00:34:19.520 --> 00:34:20.880 and walking away. 00:34:20.880 --> 00:34:27.180 The only way I'm going to get myself out of this is slow steady movements. 00:34:27.180 --> 00:34:32.320 Slow peaceful gentle movements like nothing's wrong. 00:34:32.320 --> 00:34:37.020 Like I haven't just been evenly violated by a geyser of fucking water. 00:34:37.020 --> 00:34:42.740 Like I haven't recognized that this particular automatic toilet in this particular shopping 00:34:42.740 --> 00:34:49.940 mall may be the most evil fucking appliance or fixture ever created by man. 00:34:49.940 --> 00:34:54.620 I'm not going to say that I cried that day but I am going to say that I got a little 00:34:54.620 --> 00:34:56.260 choked up. 00:34:56.260 --> 00:35:01.140 And I'm not going to say that there were tears in my eyes but I am going to say that my 00:35:01.140 --> 00:35:11.830 eyes were moist with what I assume was toilet water gently I reached over. 00:35:11.830 --> 00:35:18.390 Very gently very slowly with absolutely no movement other than that of my arm. 00:35:18.390 --> 00:35:25.310 I started unraveling toilet paper, unrolling it and rolling it into a ball around my 00:35:25.310 --> 00:35:27.350 fucking hand. 00:35:27.350 --> 00:35:28.950 I had to clean myself up. 00:35:28.950 --> 00:35:33.950 I've got to get myself into a position where I can get up off of this goddamn roller 00:35:33.950 --> 00:35:37.550 coaster and put myself back together. 00:35:37.550 --> 00:35:40.150 I gently wipe down my thighs. 00:35:40.150 --> 00:35:44.950 I gently reach between my legs and pat dry my balls. 00:35:44.950 --> 00:35:48.070 I gently wipe off my fucking dick. 00:35:48.070 --> 00:35:53.630 I'm not looking at the toilet paper because I know that if I see any shards or any fucking 00:35:53.630 --> 00:35:59.510 remnants of what I put into that toilet on me I'm going to freak out all over again 00:35:59.510 --> 00:36:08.890 and I'm going to perpet 00:36:08.890 --> 00:36:09.890 and reach. 00:36:09.890 --> 00:36:15.730 That's just going to have to be good enough and I gently ever so gently deposit that 00:36:15.730 --> 00:36:22.970 wad of toilet paper into the toilet between my legs like I'm a fucking woman because 00:36:22.970 --> 00:36:27.330 I dare not lean over to deposit it like a man. 00:36:27.330 --> 00:36:33.890 I repeat the process wrapping the toilet paper gently around my fucking hand and then wiping 00:36:33.890 --> 00:36:41.370 off my glasses and my face and trying to wipe down my beard again, careful to not get a 00:36:41.370 --> 00:36:48.130 glimpse of what may or may not be on that toilet paper, lest I freak out and start the fucking 00:36:48.130 --> 00:36:51.370 cycle of flushing and screaming all over again. 00:36:51.370 --> 00:36:57.810 The guy is still passively beating on the door and I very calmly but very sternly say, 00:36:57.810 --> 00:36:59.330 I'm okay. 00:36:59.330 --> 00:37:01.050 Everything's okay. 00:37:01.050 --> 00:37:02.690 Please leave me alone. 00:37:02.690 --> 00:37:07.810 I was either very convincing or he was looking for a reason to go away anyway. 00:37:07.810 --> 00:37:10.570 I'm not sure which and it doesn't matter. 00:37:10.570 --> 00:37:16.370 The result was he left, left me in peace, left me to sit here and stew in my own personal 00:37:16.370 --> 00:37:17.370 hell. 00:37:17.370 --> 00:37:23.610 That second wad of toilet paper is now thoroughly moistened and I gently ever so gently deposit 00:37:23.610 --> 00:37:28.770 it in the hole between my legs and down into the toilet. 00:37:28.770 --> 00:37:31.770 I've cleaned up all I can clean up. 00:37:31.770 --> 00:37:34.970 Now I'm going to have to do something about my ass. 00:37:34.970 --> 00:37:40.650 Now we could assume with the sheer volume of water that my asshole has taken throughout 00:37:40.650 --> 00:37:46.130 this entire process, we could make the assumption that my asshole has been cleaned. 00:37:46.130 --> 00:37:52.330 It's been getting a fucking bidet treatment at 50 fucking PSI for about 10 solid minutes 00:37:52.330 --> 00:37:54.850 or what feels like 10 minutes anyway. 00:37:54.850 --> 00:37:58.770 We could make that assumption but I couldn't take that risk. 00:37:58.770 --> 00:38:03.810 I was going to have to wipe my ass but I didn't know how to do it. 00:38:03.810 --> 00:38:08.490 My back throughout this entire process has been perfectly straight. 00:38:08.490 --> 00:38:12.330 My head has been perfectly erect on my neck. 00:38:12.330 --> 00:38:20.130 The only thing that's moved is my arm and to this point the toilet has not gone off again. 00:38:20.130 --> 00:38:25.890 How the hell am I going to lean over and put my big beefy fucking hand over there to wipe 00:38:25.890 --> 00:38:27.290 my ass. 00:38:27.290 --> 00:38:30.570 How am I going to do it without setting off this fucking toilet again? 00:38:30.570 --> 00:38:31.570 Because I can't do it again. 00:38:31.570 --> 00:38:33.650 I can't do it not even one more time. 00:38:33.650 --> 00:38:38.490 If it goes off one more fucking time I'm going to lose it as if I haven't lost it already. 00:38:38.490 --> 00:38:39.490 Very gently. 00:38:39.490 --> 00:38:43.010 I roll toilet paper around my hand. 00:38:43.010 --> 00:38:45.450 One, two, three. 00:38:45.450 --> 00:38:50.050 All the way up to eight layers I've put on my fucking hand. 00:38:50.050 --> 00:38:54.330 And I've decided I'm going to have to put my fucking male pride aside and I'm going 00:38:54.330 --> 00:38:59.850 to have to wipe through my legs like a fucking girl because I have ascertained that that's 00:38:59.850 --> 00:39:04.970 my best chance of getting out of this without getting sprayed another time. 00:39:04.970 --> 00:39:07.250 Ever so gently, ever so slowly. 00:39:07.250 --> 00:39:11.370 I move my hand towards the hole between my thighs. 00:39:11.370 --> 00:39:17.130 Angle it down into the toilet bowl and then up towards my soaking wet asshole. 00:39:17.130 --> 00:39:20.570 I've only got one, maybe two swipes at this. 00:39:20.570 --> 00:39:24.250 This particular shit has not been what you would call a one wiper. 00:39:24.250 --> 00:39:28.850 No, this is one where you spend some time getting cleaned up afterwards and maybe go take 00:39:28.850 --> 00:39:29.850 a shower. 00:39:29.850 --> 00:39:34.490 But again, I'm kind of relying on the bidet theory that I told you about a few seconds 00:39:34.490 --> 00:39:35.490 ago. 00:39:35.490 --> 00:39:38.010 I'm probably mostly clean down there. 00:39:38.010 --> 00:39:41.850 I've got that toilet paper wrapped all the way to my palm anyway. 00:39:41.850 --> 00:39:44.130 I fucking gauge the distance. 00:39:44.130 --> 00:39:49.290 Put the nearest most edge of that toilet paper on my fucking asshole and then pull towards 00:39:49.290 --> 00:39:50.530 me firmly. 00:39:50.530 --> 00:39:55.450 Maybe a little too firmly because I only want to do one pass, maybe two. 00:39:55.450 --> 00:40:00.250 I don't feel a lot of resistance but again, it's not feeling real muddy down there either. 00:40:00.250 --> 00:40:01.610 I think I'm good to go. 00:40:01.610 --> 00:40:04.010 I decide that this is the best I'm going to get. 00:40:04.010 --> 00:40:07.810 I pull the toilet paper out, I fold it over, I fucking run it back in there and I do it 00:40:07.810 --> 00:40:14.810 one more time and finally deposit it into the fucking bowl, the toilet bowl of the damned. 00:40:14.810 --> 00:40:16.410 Now it's just me here. 00:40:16.410 --> 00:40:22.650 I have to in one smooth motion get up, grab my fucking pants, take one to two steps away 00:40:22.650 --> 00:40:28.050 and turn my back away from it and shield my fucking body from the spray that's inevitably 00:40:28.050 --> 00:40:30.130 going to come flying out of that toilet. 00:40:30.130 --> 00:40:36.530 I steal myself, I gently tug the fucking belt of my jeans up to my knees and in one smooth 00:40:36.530 --> 00:40:42.010 motion I stand and vault myself into the fucking far corner by the trash can, holding 00:40:42.010 --> 00:40:44.090 onto the fucking handicap rail. 00:40:44.090 --> 00:40:45.570 I brace for fucking impact. 00:40:45.570 --> 00:40:49.930 I brace for the impending fucking violence that is going to come out of that toilet bowl 00:40:49.930 --> 00:40:52.050 at any fucking second. 00:40:52.050 --> 00:40:56.370 I wait for what feels like an eternity and nothing happens. 00:40:56.370 --> 00:41:00.930 I pull my pants up, I zip them up, they're soaking fucking wet by the way. 00:41:00.930 --> 00:41:04.890 Do my belt and then turn on my heel and look down at that toilet bowl. 00:41:04.890 --> 00:41:06.210 It does nothing. 00:41:06.210 --> 00:41:11.250 It just sits there observing me, observing the mess it's made of me, basking in the glow 00:41:11.250 --> 00:41:13.570 of a job well done. 00:41:13.570 --> 00:41:18.090 I reach over, I push the button on the side to tell it it's time to flush. 00:41:18.090 --> 00:41:21.170 It flushes dutifully with no spray. 00:41:21.170 --> 00:41:26.730 Incidentally I turn towards the door, unlock it and walk out, spend the next 10 minutes washing 00:41:26.730 --> 00:41:33.450 my arms, my hands and my face in the fucking sink and then I carry on with my shopping. 00:41:33.450 --> 00:41:37.530 Christmas time is a magical time it's shopping malls all across America. 00:41:37.530 --> 00:41:42.410 Don't skip the yearos and maybe give the toilet a courtesy flush before you actually sit 00:41:42.410 --> 00:41:43.410 down on it. 00:41:43.410 --> 00:41:45.250 Alright, that's enough. 00:41:45.250 --> 00:41:46.810 I'm gonna end this episode. 00:41:46.810 --> 00:41:51.530 Thank you for joining me for season 2 episode 6 of Missing Throat Radio. 00:41:51.530 --> 00:41:53.050 I hope you enjoy the show. 00:41:53.050 --> 00:41:54.050 I hope you dig it. 00:41:54.050 --> 00:41:58.690 If you want to like and follow and and and fucking do all that other stuff give 00:41:58.690 --> 00:42:04.210 me a review on whatever podcasting app you listen to that would be great not 00:42:04.210 --> 00:42:05.210 required. 00:42:05.210 --> 00:42:08.490 The only thing that I ask is that you tell someone who's cool. 00:42:08.490 --> 00:42:09.490 How about let do that? 00:42:09.490 --> 00:42:11.530 Let's do a little word of mouth thing. 00:42:11.530 --> 00:42:14.930 Tell somebody who's cool who's gonna get the kind of humor and the kind of shit that we 00:42:14.930 --> 00:42:18.770 do here on Missing Throat Radio and not be a fucking twat about it. 00:42:18.770 --> 00:42:20.370 I'll be happy then. 00:42:20.370 --> 00:42:22.130 Alright, until next time.