Maiden Voyage of the USS Misanthrope Radio version 2.0

Welcome to Missing Throat Radio 2.0 real quick introduction

Missing Throat Radio 2.0 that insinuates that there was a missing Throat Radio 1.0 and that's because there was

It was the first podcast I ever did

2018

2019 ish and

I had a lot of fun with it

I'm probably going to recycle some of those bits and put them on missing Throat Radio 2.0 because why the fuck not

I'm sure if you went out there looking for Missing Throat Radio you could probably find it depending on the podcasting app

But I trashed it years ago. I have since started a couple of other podcasts

Trying my hand at different things shit didn't work out because I only know one thing one thing and one thing only and that's talking shit

Okay, so if I try to do something serious or fucking heartfelt or

sincere or I try to talk politics or fucking anything like that it always comes off as insincere because I don't even fucking believe it

The only thing that I know for a fact

Is that people fuck everything up

So why not just go back to doing what I do hence missing Throat Radio 2.0 rising from the ashes of Lorenzo

reads an unmoderate and

Missing Throat Radio OG

Before I let you glimpse into my fucking sick mind with the rest of this

podcast episode

I want to just take a second to to give you a statistic and

I'm gonna try to do so and I'm gonna give you the statistic and I'm gonna say a few things

I'm gonna try to do so as gently as I can with four million active podcasts going on in America right now

There's a great chance especially

Because this industry being as incestuous and fucking weird as it is there's a great chance that you are a podcaster yourself

Or you know

Someone who's a podcaster so here's the statistic and then again, I'm gonna try to be gentle with this next part 82%

of podcast traffic

according to Apple

And there are their metrics their industry metrics 82% of podcast traffic

by consumers is

concentrated on

podcasts that come from

10 companies

Think about that

So if a hundred million Americans listen to at least one podcast episode every week which is a

Fairly good estimate according to Forbes magazine that means 82 million of those

100 million people are listening to podcasts from one of

10 major companies

Anyway, you can fucking look them up on your own time 10 companies

10 podcast

Consortiums, that's a better way to say it 10 podcast consortiums account for

82% of all podcast traffic in America

So what that really boils down to I because you you could take that information and go in two different directions

You could say that oh my god nothing's fucking changed

Big companies are still running the fucking information in America and you know what that's absolutely true

That's a way to look at it. I look at it a different way

What I'm gonna say is that you

Your friend who has a podcast your other friend who has a podcast and your uncle who has a fucking podcast and I

are all competing for the same

18 million people

And I know that this is podcasting and it's all one big fucking happy community

But here's the problem with that

You're not good at what you do and I am

Okay, and there's just really no general way to say that I'm really fucking good at this

You're not and you being out there doing a shit job at fucking podcasting is making it harder for me

To get people to listen to this fucking show because there's three and a half million

Shows just like yours out there that are fucking dog shit on ice

So if you could kindly fuck off out of my way and

And let me cut through the fucking noise that would be great

Okay, or your fucking Volkswagen Beetle here. I come in a fucking Lamborghini

Aren't you gonna be inclined to let me go ahead and get ahead of you because I've got way more fucking petal than you do

It's just the neighborly thing to do kindly fuck off to jiffy lube

jiffy lube has a job for you this podcasting thing isn't for you. Okay, it's for me

So kindly fuck off out of the way

Thank you on with the show go ahead and start the opener. Let's go

Missing through radio in my own way

I was born fully grown

I was born Ilyrio Zapata

Domingo Franchenzo Juan Paco Medina Ruiz

Luis Vega Rosendo

Sanchez my father died shortly before I was born

He mulled the cartels product north of the border in a balloon burst in his ass

Life got hard then my mother was at work all the time

And I was left on my own she said she used her mouth to make her living

I used to think that that meant singing

But now I'm not so sure

So I was talking to my brother the other day and

You're not gonna hear me mention my brother very often because honestly he's

Not that interesting. He's fairly normal dude, you know, um

Just kind of a fucking normal guy has a normal job nice fucking beautiful family white picket fancy super fucking boring

I mean aside from the fact that he's six foot seven. There's really nothing

remarkable about him

Anyway, I was talking to him the other day and

Very occasionally when we talk he actually brings up something worth noting

Well, I guess he decided to do that 23 and me

Were you swab your cheek or

impale yourself with something or fucking jerk off on a rag or something like that anyway

You send it to this company and then they do a complete analysis of your fucking DNA and then send send you a report and tell you where

You

Hail from

I said that probably in the most

Ridic Commissionless way possible. They they send you a report and tell you what your uh

Lineages they tell you where your fucking people are from

So long fucking story short we always knew on our moms side of the family we had

Native American American Indian whatever you want to call them

There was some Irish there was some Scottish there was some English and uh

I had to fucking I don't remember something else I want to say French

But none of us really have the tendency to try to surrender

So it couldn't I don't know maybe maybe not French it you know what that's not the operative part of the conversation

Here's where shit gets real

On my dad's side we were told

100% German top to bottom straight from fucking Germany god damn German

And so while we didn't have many conversations about our lineage because I'm not fucking 90

We did have the occasional

Conversation about our lineage and it was always really focused on mom's side of the family because dad's side of the family was fucking boring

It was German straight up German top to bottom

Well, he gets the results of this 23 and me and low and fucking behold there's a Jew in the wood pile

Yeah, and not just a Jew in the wood pile, you know from way back in the day no no no no no no

There's a Jew in the wood pile to the tune of almost 25%

At first it came as a shock, but now

Upon reflection I am fucking ecstatic

Ashkenazi Jew ask me what that means I have no fucking idea, but Ashkenazi Jew

Clear as fucking day on that piece of paper. I always knew I had greatness in my future

I'm one of God's chosen people

I'm a member of one of the twelve tribes

And I couldn't possibly be happier

Because everything I always knew about myself is now true. I always knew I was destined for greatness

I always knew I should have a claim at international banking and finance. I always felt like I should own

part of the Rolling Stones catalog.

This is about me now.

It's my time.

It's my time to shine.

Bring in the Mots of Balls.

Find me a fucking loyal.

Introduce me to the Yentos.

It's my time to shine.

International Jewry.

Here I come.

I'm gonna buy a jewelry store.

I'm gonna grow really long fucking sideburns.

I'm gonna start rocking a fucking Yamaka.

There's nothing can stop me now.

There's a fucking Jew in the wood pile.

Celebrate Rebels.

Here I come show business.

There's no fucking stoppin' me now.

Dancing in the streets like King David, also a Jew.

I'm gonna go on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem

and not feel like a fucking tourist.

I am 25% Jew and I could fucking not possibly be any happier.

I'm shit here comes my dad.

Dad, what the fuck I'm recording in here?

That's what I'm befilling.

The uncle's telling us what to befilling.

What the fuck?

They're sitting.

What are you talking about?

They don't have to be Logan, so they're just...

What do you mean keep the bloodlines pure?

What are you a fucking Targaryen?

You can send them together.

I think they think that they're trying to house them.

Neither Targaryen can find them.

The fight is a...

I'm out of the saga.

Dad is 2025.

Nobody gives a fuck about that.

Stop throwing shit.

Stop throwing shit.

Stop throwing shit.

Shut the door.

Get him out of here.

Get him out of here.

I'm trying to fucking work.

Oh my god, he's still fucking going.

Listen to that shit.

Okay, let him in.

He's just fucking get this over with.

Yes, it's confirmed.

Ashkenazi Jew.

I don't know what it means either.

You just fucking heart...

You don't know what it fucking means.

You just heard the word Jew and fucking flew off the rail.

It's Hatter on the Targaryen.

No, you can show your face in public.

Oh, Dad, I don't know how to officially get here to live.

We're starting.

Dad, it's not 1938.

Okay, it's fucking okay to have a Jew in the wood pile.

Don't fucking call me a dirty Jew.

If I'm a dirty Jew, you're a dirty Jew.

I like Mr. Stant.

No, no, stop.

I'm going to fucking throw you heebie golds.

I'm going to fucking throw you heebie golds.

I like to throw you, I.

I kind of want to though.

I like to throw you.

You were, yes, absolutely.

That's your new nickname, the fucking BFW.

You lost your fucking mind.

Dad, you lost your fucking mind.

You can't run around yelling and German anymore.

You can't even talk.

Hitler fucked that up for us.

He fucked up the sweet mustache.

He fucked up anyone being named Adolf again,

a fucking strong name.

He fucked that up.

And he fucked up people yelling and screaming in German.

You can't do that anymore.

I say, it's all about Christmas.

It's an old thing.

No, think about it.

All that shit you watch on TV, all that fucking European nonsense you watch.

Do you ever see German people screaming and yelling on TV?

No, you don't.

Hitler fucked that up.

He ruined it.

But he loves everyone's his devalces.

No, you don't have to worry, you don't have to worry.

I will try to make some months of balls.

I'm just fucking kidding.

I'm fucking kidding.

I'm gonna take a fucking thing.

Go on, get up out of here and work it.

Get your bitburger in your fucking schnitzel.

Yeah, knock it.

Yeah, press your lugs getting ready to start.

All right.

Love you, Dad.

What was he gonna say about it?

Jesus Christ.

That was a fucking epic crash out.

I haven't heard one of those like that since I was a kid.

Who fucking knew?

So anyway, 23 and me.

Bring in families together.

This is in Properadio.

Segment two.

Face mites.

Fucking face mites.

So I was doing a search earlier and I was, uh, I don't remember why the fuck I was looking

up headlice.

But I, I was, oh yeah, I do.

I was in conversation with someone and we were talking about, you know, shit that you

got when you were kids.

And she said to me, she's like, have you ever seen a, uh, headlows.

Like a microscopic, like zoomed in view of a headlouse and I was like, no, why the, no,

I've never seen anything like that.

So I googled it real quick.

Uh, terrifying, by the way.

And, but when I, when I googled headlice, you know, down in the, um, suggested for you

bar underneath, there was, I guess, all other, um, fucking parasitic infestations.

And one of them said face mites.

And what the fuck is that?

And I thought to myself, okay, face mites are what you get if you don't fucking wash your

face or you live in some fucking third world shit hole country, you know, you get a bad

case of fucking face mites and they smear some fucking diaper cream or something all over

your face and, and then you wake up at the next morning and it's gone.

Something that you can easily get rid of like with a fucking penicillin shot or, you know,

uh, spraying yourself in the face with some fucking raid or something like that.

That's what I thought.

That's, that's where my mind went.

When I saw face mites, so I clicked on it.

I thought, well, my mind went to third world shit hole, happens to dirty people probably in

prisons, you just fucking sanitize your face and keep it moving.

Well, then I made the mistake of clicking on the fucking link to learn more about fucking

face mites.

Uh, that was a mistake because I have been teetering on the edge of a fucking cataclysmic

world ending fucking earth shattering goddamn crash out for the last four hours because of

what I read about face mites.

If you don't know what face mites are, well, let me fucking tell you, I, I, I, um, I can't

wait to bring you in the loop on this first.

Well, first of all, everyone I fucking talk to about face mites in my outrage is which,

uh, which only fuels my fire more.

There were fucking response.

Everyone I've talked to about face mites is like, oh yeah, yeah, face mites, yeah.

Yeah, I learned about those in school.

I must have fucking, I must have been high that day because I didn't fucking learn about

them in school.

But I'm getting ahead of myself face mites.

I'm going to assume that you don't know what the fuck face mites are and I am very excited

to be able to tell you about them.

These mites are a near parasitic insect that live in your face.

Let me say that again.

They are a near parasitic insect that live in your fucking face like in your fucking

pores, they live there.

Okay, now here's the real kick in the nuts.

They don't live in third world shithole fucking facial pores.

No, they don't live in prison fucking facial pores.

I should say they don't live in only third world shithole or prison facial pores.

No, they live in everybody's facial pores.

And then they're fucking eyelashes and eyebrows.

And then they're fucking nostrils.

They are near parasitic bugs that fucking live in your face and not just anyone's face,

everyone's fucking face.

They live in your fucking face bro.

They live in your fucking face bro.

Like what does anything fucking matter anymore?

Nothing fucking means shit.

Fuck paying by mortgage, fuck the fucking gas bill.

Who gives a shit about World War III?

Fuck the fucking additives in food, fuck robber Kennedy, fuck every fuck everything.

Everyone's got goddamn bugs living in their fucking faces.

Why the fuck are we talking about this?

And why did I just have to learn about this today?

Fuck it.

I mean legit fuck everything.

I'm not worried about that fucking credit card payment.

You want to know why?

I'm not worried about how long my fucking car is gonna last or whether I need to fucking re-up my home warranty.

I'm not worried about my fucking hot water heater or the guy telling me I got three years left on my heating and air conditioning unit.

I'm not worried about that shit.

All I can think about is I've got fucking bugs living in my face and so do you.

And the guy who fucking told me that I've got to replace my air conditioning unit, he's got bugs in his face too.

And we all just live our fucking lives.

We all just keep it moving like we don't have bugs in our in our face.

Like we don't fucking think about it.

Oh, if you don't just if you just don't think about it, it's not that big deal goddamnit.

I can't think about anything but that.

Okay?

It's all I fucking got.

It's all that's going on in my head.

I was lovingly preparing a fucking ham tonight and the only fucking thing in my head, while I'm standing there, carving that ham, was I wonder if any fucking face bugs are dripping off of my goddamn nostrils, dripping out of my nostrils, onto this fucking delicious ham.

Nothing means shit.

And you want to talk about, listen, I've gone through some shit in my life..

You know what I mean?

I spend a lot of time in the Navy. I saw some really gnarly shit.

I never really necessarily considered myself an overly religious person, but I gotta say God got me through some shit in my fucking 16 years in the Navy.

But now I read about fucking face mites and the fact that they live in all of our fucking faces.

Did I happen to mention that? They live in all of our fucking faces.

Okay?

And I'm fucking reading about the fucking face mites and taking on board and embracing the absolute goddamn cataclysmic fucking horror of bugs living in my fucking face and you're facing everybody's face and I'm thinking there can't be a God.

That's what just popped in my fucking head. There cannot possibly be a God because if there is a God, why the fuck would God make man in his image and then have bugs crawling around in his fucking face?

Are you telling me that God has divine bugs fucking floating around in his fucking face? I think not.

It makes me think it really drives home the fucking Darwinian point that this is all just a fucking giant goddamn cosmic accident.

We crawled out of the fucking primordial ooze bacteria, paramecium fucking down the line chimpanzees lizards and shit.

Now here we are running around the earth and fucking Ford F-150s and shit with goddamn bugs in our face.

What's the fucking cute thing that chimpanzees do in the fucking trees? They sit up there and they groom each other. Right? And they pull fucking lice out of each other's disgusting goddamn fur.

And we look at that and we go, okay, well, you know, obviously they don't have T-Tree shampoo. So what are they going to do? They got to pick lice out with their...

Okay, we're... we have T-Tree shampoo. That's fucking great, but we have goddamn bugs in our face.

That you can't get rid of. One of the people... I really did a good job holding it together today by the way. When I was talking about this to different people, I was just fucking shocked, outraged, at face mites.

And I talked to quite a few people about it. And one of the fucking people I talked to made the mistake of saying it's a symb.

Like though, you motherfucker, is it a symbiotic relationship? You fucking dopey-cut? It is not a symbiotic relationship.

It is a parasitic infestation. Let me elaborate.

A symbiotic relationship is when the crocodile crawls up on fucking land and lays there with its mouth open and then the bird, this particular type of bird lands.

And kinda looks around the open mall of the crocodile and was like, we good bro? And the crocodile was like, yeah, we're good.

And the bird goes into the crocodile's mouth to eat all the fucking meat and remains and innards and shit out of in between the fucking crocodile's teeth.

That is a symbiotic relationship. The crocodile is getting his teeth cleaned and the bird is getting a meal.

The crocodile does not eat the bird because the crocodile needs the fucking bird in order to not have tooth decay. That is a symbiotic relationship.

What do they call those fucking fish, pilot fish or whatever the fuck it is that hang out behind sharks? Is that right?

And they cruise around all around sharks and they eat the scraps and leftovers and shit, you know, but they also keep parasites and shit off of the fucking shark.

It is a symbiotic relationship. The shark tolerates the presence of the fucking annoying pilot fish and the annoying pilot fish does its job by keeping the shark clean and free of parasites and also, you know, kind of tidies up the area around the shark.

The shark after the horrific murder of whatever delicate sea creature the shark made happen. That's a symbiotic relationship.

What we have going on with the fucking face mites is not a symbiotic relationship. It's not a symbiotic relationship in any way, shape or form.

But, you know, goddammit, Lorenzow, by my calculations, it is a symbiotic relationship because we benefit from the mites being there.

Okay, Kuntie Kunterson, how the fuck do you figure that? Well, let me tell you, the face mites get rid of excess oils and dead skin and stuff like that off of your face.

And all you have to do is let them live there. Well, I don't have the fucking option to let them not live there. And that's what I'm saying. It's not a symbiotic relationship because I don't have a fucking choice in the matter.

You see what I'm saying? The shark and the bird, the bird can just not, or not the shark and the bird. The fucking alligator crocodile, whatever the fuck. And the bird, the alligator can, or the crocodile can choose to eat the fucking bird

or choose to not open its mouth and the bird has no option but to respect that. The crocodile can open its mouth and the bird can just not land there that day to pick through the fucking teeth and the crocodile has to respect that. That's a fucking symbiotic relationship.

What we are dealing with, what the fucking face mites is a goddamned parasitic infestation. It's a fucking invasion.

It's not an invasion. It's an occupation. Our faces have been occupied by legions of fucking face mites, micro-near microscopic bugs who do nothing but crawl around all day long and fucking mark their territory, their facial fucking territory.

It's not a symbiotic relationship. It's an occupation. It's a fucking parasitic infestation. And what do we as humans do? What do we as humans do very well, especially in western civilization? What the fuck do we do with parasites?

In western civilized nations, what do we do? We don't fucking tolerate them.

If you got a tick on you, what do you do with it? You don't just go, well, you know, it's gonna go ahead and get rid of the bad red blood cells. No, you fucking get rid of it. You pull it out and smash it and throw it away.

We go to great lengths to not succumb to fucking parasitic infestation. If you don't want to be infested with the trachyne worm, what do you do? You cook your fucking pork all the way through.

If you don't want to be infested with roundworms or whatever the fuck they are, what do you do? You fucking soak your wild game in saltwater before you fucking cook it. And then you cook it all the way through.

These are things that we do to not be fucking infested with goddamn parasites, but nobody is talking about the fucking face mites.

Well, I got news for you. We don't fucking need them anymore. There was perhaps a time you could make the case that there was a time looking at this logically. Let me calm down because I'm really fucking cranked up about this shit.

See, you may have known about face mites since you were in school. This is all real fucking fresh for me. Okay, I'm four hours in and all my mind is done as just fucking collapse in and on itself.

Because no matter what I do, where I go, where I am, what I think, how I dress, how many fucking bills I pay, how much fucking money I earn, how many bitches I fucking finger, no matter what.

I'm gonna have parasitic bugs crawling around on my fucking face and nesting in my fucking pores, and there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it.

You could make the case that there was a time when we needed them. You know what I mean? They took care of dead skin.

They provided a crucial role in our overall health and well-being and appearance. But we don't need those. We don't need them anymore. We have chemical peels.

You know what I mean? We have chemical peels. We have soap that dries out your fucking, dries the oil out of your fucking skin.

We have cutesy little fucking gloves that you can wear in the shower shower for exfoli, exfoliating. We don't need the fucking facial mites anymore.

So how the fuck do we get rid of them? I don't fucking know, I'm not a scientist but I can tell you what I'm going to do for me.

Here in about 30 seconds I'm gonna fucking roast them. I'm literally going to set my fucking

mic ready. You ready? Okay. When I tell you, light me up. I want you to put the mic real fucking close to my face so I can hear him die.

I know I'm gonna roast the fucking mic. So what we have here is we have a can of hair spray and a lighter.

And what my trusty assistance going to do is fucking light my face on fire in a controlled way to where I get burned a little bit but the face mites are gone.

You know what I mean? We're fucking roasting the face mites. I've done a little research on this. We got to fucking bring the temperature of the face up to 212 degrees in order to sanitize the face.

Get rid of all the fucking face mites and also incinerate the eggs.

So he's getting ready to hose me down with some fucking aqua net that happens to be on fire. And I'm gonna fucking take it. It'll be fine.

But the face mites are fucking going. I'm not gonna live this way. Fucking colonies of goddamn face mites. Generations, old colonies of face mites living in my fucking pores. Get the fuck out of here. I'm not gonna fuck out of here.

So what if we ruined the mic? Who gives this shit? I've got another one. Let's fucking do it.

Oh my god. Oh my god. That was terrible.

Okay, get in here close with the fucking magnifying glass. Tell me if you can see any fucking face mites.

No, are we good? Okay, I think we're good. Get that fucking silver derm or whatever the fuck it's called and let's get the fucking shit on my face and let the healers go.

Let the healing begin. Hopefully it's not like any crazy scarring. Okay, let's move on to the next segment.

Segment three. More often than not, I'm going to close each episode with either show notes or something that's actually fairly important to me.

Every 22 minutes of veteran commits suicide. I don't like it when people say takes their own life. Let's just call it what it is.

Let's use the fucking word every 22 minutes of veteran commits suicide.

You know, I talk a lot of shit. I really do. And that's one of the things that we're gonna do here together.

We're gonna talk a lot of shit and I don't know that there's any fucking topic that's taboo to be completely honest with you.

We're gonna talk a lot of shit. We're gonna make you at some point feel bad. If you're overweight, I'm gonna make fun of fatties.

If you're a fucking redhead, I'm gonna call you a dirty fucking ginger.

It's just the way that this fucking podcast is gonna go. Missing throbs in the fucking title.

But having said all that, suicide doesn't end the pain.

It just takes your pain and spreads it out to everyone who loved you.

And if you're a veteran who's in crisis or is considered going down the suicide road, fucking don't.

It's not in your fucking character. You sacrificed years of your life to an ideal.

You pledged yourself to

to the tenants of service. God, country, family. So fucking see it through to the end. You're only alone because you choose to be.

That's the one thing that you learned in boot camp. If you think about it, if you boil it all down, the one fucking take away from boot camp is that nobody gets through this shit on their all.

If you're alone, you're only.

Alone because you choose to be pick up your fucking cell phone and dial 998 hit send or call or whatever the fucking button is nowadays and then press one.

That's the fucking crisis support line from the VA say what you want about the VA. I'm not trying to hear it. The VA has been always been good to me.

This is one thing they do very fucking well 24 seven confidential crisis support for veterans and their loved ones 998 then press one.

You can chat online or you can text to 838255 every 22 minutes of veteran fucking commit suicide. Don't be one of them.

Support till Valhalla project get the health you need and reach out to your brothers and sisters and sisters and see if any of them are in crisis and see if any of them are in crisis and get them to help them to help them to help them to help them to help them to.

You're only alone if you choose to be.

I hope you enjoyed what you heard here today. I'm I'm sure I will get more ridiculous this time goes on and I fucking spiral down into absolute fucking madness.

Anyway, thank you again for listening until next time.