Mother's Day and My Stint as a Crisis Hotline Therapist

Welcome to season two episode 10 of Missing Throat Radio.

Happy Mother's Day.

It's one of the few fucking bullshit chocolate and fucking greeting card holidays that I actually

take seriously.

Why you may ask, I'm very thankful to my mom and you should be too.

A lot of us had fucked up mothers, but as you get older you realize they're just people

too.

And they were doing the best they fucking could with the hand that they'd been dealt.

You know, it's really hard to remember when you're young that your mom is just a fucking

person too.

In a lot of ways and a lot of times she's just a fucking kid who's trying to figure it

out on the fly.

Moms make a lot of mistakes, but I truly believe for the most part they're trying the best

they can.

While I detest the fucking chocolate and greeting card fucking holidays, I typically take

Mother's Day a little more seriously than most people do.

And it's one of those days that you go and you do the shit you're supposed to do and

you honor your mother in a way that she is comfortable with.

Most moms don't want to be fussed over or made over or have anything big or elaborate

done for them.

Just come over and mow the lawn.

Why don't you just fix my mailbox honey?

People typically take their mom out to eat for dinner and then do odds and ends around

the house in order to, you know, make her happy.

It gets some shit off of her plate and it also makes you feel good because you did something

to fucking recognize your mom, but that's bullshit.

Mothers are people too.

They want to fucking feel special.

They want to know that you really deeply appreciate what they did for you, what they

gave up for you, what they sacrificed for you, bringing you into this world and, you

know, not letting you die.

With that thought in mind, I thought it.

It would be a good idea to utilize this platform of misanthroperidio to recognize all

mothers everywhere and show appreciation for what they did and more specifically what they

didn't do.

So what I've-I've done here is I've put together a few little audio clips.

All of them PSAs, if you're old enough to remember actually listening to the fucking

radio, they had public service announcements from the radio station or, you know, different

businesses or entities around the area.

But some kind of little audio Graham, either teaching a lesson or thanking a thankless

group of people.

I thought that's what I would do here.

Hey, and I have to say without tuning my own horn, they're pretty fucking good.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you about one to two seconds of silence,

and I'm going to bring the music up, and then I'm going to play the little public service

announcement from you and misanthroperidio.

Unfortunately, I don't have anyone with a really fucking great voice to voice this, so

you're stuck with me.

All right, let's do it.

Roll the music.

Mother, the word for God on the lips and hearts of children.

Mother, a thankless job.

Happy Mother's Day to all moms.

Right?

I know.

Okay, let's do another one here real quick.

Mother's, your endless love, sleepless nights and silence sacrifices built our world.

on Mother's Day, we see you, we feel you, and we thank you with all of our hearts.

Do something nice for your mother, this Mother's Day, give her number to a pervert.

Hello?

Are you fucking penny?

I can smell your fucking contours.

I am someone's mother.

How dare you speak to me in that way?

Go on.

Kid, aren't you?

Tell me all about your panties.

Don't leave out any details.

Talk to me about your fucking panties.

If of misanthroperidio and everyone everywhere, happy Mother's Day, mom.

That one was pretty good too, right?

I fucking know, I'm really good at this fucking emotional heartfelt gratitude thing.

You gotta admit, I know what the fuck I'm doing.

Okay, here's another one.

Mother's, through every tear, every sacrifice and every unspoken prayer, your boundless love,

shaped our hearts and our lives.

On this Mother's Day, we see your quiet strength.

Tell your endless devotion and we want to say thank you from the bottom of our hearts,

for never saying no.

You dirty fucking whore.

On behalf of misanthroperidio and everyone everywhere, happy Mother's Day, mom.

Right?

Listen, I'm leaving a little bit of fucking space in between each one of these vignettes

so you can take your podcasting app and you can queue it up right to the moment right

before I start one of these little PSAs and you can play it for your mom because not

Okay, I've got another one here.

Biologically speaking, we may just be a grunt and a squirt that you allowed to fester and

gestate until you vaginally shut us out.

But without your willingness to fuck on the first date, mom, we wouldn't be here today.

On behalf of misanthroperidio and everyone everywhere, happy Mother's Day.

I accept donations via email, by the way.

If you're just overcome with fucking emotion and you want to send me a few bucks in order

to make yourself feel better about taking this wonderful gift that I've just handed you

and presenting it to your mom like it was your idea.

I don't have any ego in this. I don't have a dog in the fight.

You know what I mean?

What I'm trying to do is convey to you how important a day like Mother's Day is and how you

can't just let it go unnoticed and you cannot allow yourself to fucking celebrate it the way

you have been.

I know what you've been doing, Motherfucker, because I did the same thing.

You're gonna show up over there, you're gonna mow or fucking lawn, you're gonna maybe

grill some fucking chicken or something like that and you're just gonna hang out with

her for the day.

And if your mother's anything like mine, she's gonna say something like this.

Oh, I'm just so glad that you're over here to spend the day with me.

What a tremendous treat.

I love Mother's Day because I get you walled in my self.

She doesn't fucking mean that.

Of course she doesn't.

Mothers are people too.

Yeah, she wants to see you and spend time with you, but she'd also like to have her day

recognized in a way that not everyone else is recognizing their mothers.

She wants to be able to go to work or the fucking water exercises at the YMCA the next morning

and tell them what a beautiful fucking gesture you made for her.

One Mother's Day, I see your silent strength, feel your infinite devotion and we want to say

thank you from the bottom of our hearts for letting our fathers hit it raw on behalf

of the world.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

You see what I'm saying?

It's like how has there ever really been a fucking Mother's Day before I came along?

Mother's Day before I came along was bullshit.

You're going to look back on every other Mother's Day you've ever celebrated and realize

that it paled in comparison to this one.

I have handed you custom crafted heartfelt thanks that you can present to your mom on

this very, very special day.

Again, what you do is you queue up your podcasting app to the second of silence that I leave

right before one of these vignettes and then you play it on your phone for her and watch

her just melt with gratitude.

Watch her just fucking melt with pride and having raised someone so thoughtful as to recognize

her for not only what she's done for you lately, but what she did before you were even

born.

Mother's got to fucking be celebrated properly, man.

We collectively do a shit job at this holiday and I'm doing my part to make it special from

here on out.

Alright, on to the next segment.

Segment to you all.

Everything's a fucking expensive.

You noticed, how can you not?

Everything is so fucking high.

And depending on who you ask, you're going to get different fucking answers.

If you ask a tinfoil hat mother fucker like me why everything is so expensive, I'm going

to tell you that it's the fucking corporations gouging us.

Well, no Lorenzo, of course, they're not gouging us.

It's supply and demand and there's all kinds of factors to go into that and oil prices

and fucking with Iran.

Okay, yeah, you're not wrong.

If we only get 20% of our fucking oil through the streets of hormones, why has gasoline

gone up 54% I guess that's the explanation I'm looking for.

If we only get 20% of our fucking oil through the streets of hormones, why

Lorenzo, they're playing the futures, the futures game, you understand they're a little

generic because of the futures.

That's just another fucking word for opportunism.

Anyway, I'm not going to I don't want to go down this road.

I don't want to take a fucking side.

I have a foil hat that says that our corporations are in fact gouging us.

They're not raising their prices, the bare minimum that they have to in order to stay in operation

for the American people.

Of course, they're fucking not.

They're using this as an opportunity to fucking gain a little bit more margin.

Okay, yes, they have to raise their prices.

Do they have to raise them 54%?

No, no, they don't.

Anyway, I'm not here to take a fucking side on that.

I sat down here tonight to talk about how times have gotten fucking hard.

You know, I'm making more money right now than I've ever made in my life and somehow I'm

still living paycheck to paycheck.

So I've had to fucking diversify.

You know, the great thing about getting a fucking education in my youth and having a degree

in my pocket is I can do things when times get hard that I don't necessarily want to

half to fucking do.

I've been picking up extra fucking money doing odd jobs.

I say odd jobs, the educated version of odd jobs.

I've been picking up extra money doing educated odd jobs in order to fucking keep food on

the table and gas in the old fucking truck.

Sometimes you just got to fucking hold your nose and do it.

I don't want to spend my time working an extra job in order to make ends meet but what are

you going to fucking do?

What opportunities do I have?

I have to use my fucking brain.

Well since I'm not a reasonably attractive woman, I can't get on the fucking stripper poll

or do only fans.

So I have to actually make an honest days living using my intellect.

So a long time ago, a person that I know offered me the opportunity to, be one of those

phoning grief counselors.

I am qualified to do it to pay isn't great but times are fucking hard.

You got to suck the fucking corporate dick any way you can in order to get ahead.

And you know, it's me.

You're all buddy Lorenzo, Missing Throat Radio 2.0.

So of course I have a natural curiosity about people.

Of course I do.

And I legitimately want to help anyone I can.

Thank you for calling Riverside Crisis Hotline.

My name is Lorenzo.

How can I help you?

My name is Cynthia and I just really need someone to talk to.

I'm fucking struggling.

Mmm, that's what I'm here for.

I'm here for you to help you through this trying time.

Tell me Cynthia, what's going on?

Stop the tape.

You see how empathetic I sound?

I like the fucking best counselor of all time.

Okay.

Back to the tape.

I feel so weird calling and talking to somebody I don't know about this but I want

to lose my fucking mind.

I don't even know if I should be bothering you.

Maybe I should just go.

But at the same time, how can I convey to you who I am?

You don't know me.

You don't know my story.

It's methendix isn't it's Cynthia.

It's always methendix.

When somebody says they don't know their fucking story, it's really methendix.

It's 100% of the time methendix.

Oh my god.

I can't believe you just said that of course it's I mean some methendix but like

that's not all of it.

You don't even really fucking know me.

You sound like you don't even care.

You're right Cynthia.

I don't fucking care.

I'm here moonlighting because the economy shit.

Are you gonna give me your fucking problems and let me help you?

Or are you just gonna fucking sit there and judge me?

You fucking stupid or giving your fucking problems before I snap your neck?

In fairness, I don't mind admitting that that did not go well.

You can't fucking hit a home run every time.

You know what I mean?

Sometimes you're gonna fucking swing and miss.

That's what happened with Cynthia.

I hope she's okay.

Let's move on to the next caller so I can show you what a fucking fantastic therapist I

am.

Maybe I've missed my calling.

Thank you for calling Riverside Crisis Response Line.

My name is Lorenzo.

Tell me about your trauma.

I'm just been super depressed man.

I don't know if I can keep going on this way.

Really?

What's your name buddy?

My name is Chris.

Chris nice to meet you.

What do you mean by depressed?

I'm to the point in my life where I'm having a hard time even getting out of bed.

It seems like all I do is work and sleep and work and sleep and then I got this girlfriend

that's always after me to go ahead and marry her and I've got my fucking mom living with me

and my dad's an invalid due to falling off a ladder a few years back while he's drinking.

I just don't know that I can continue like this in this way but I don't see a way

to break the cycle.

I understand.

And then as it turns out I'm lost all my fucking hair.

I've had coronavirus 14 fucking times Lorenzo.

To the point where now my body's so tore up from cough and all the time that I shit my

pants at least once a week and when I'm not shit in my pants I've got a steady stream

of blood coming out of my butt.

Are you laughing at me son of a bitch?

I'm sorry man listen.

Who here's the thing I'm sitting here fucking listening to this litany of fucking problems

that you have and I keep thinking to myself and it won't.

You won't leave my fucking head the solution for you is obvious.

A guy with your problems should probably fucking drink more.

That's your solution.

The crisis hotline solution is that I ought to drink more.

I'll have you know I'm a recovery now.

Colleague.

Fucking course you are.

Let's just fucking add that on to those.

You have fucking parents living with you.

You got some fucking nagging broad.

You're bleeding that you're fucking ass.

You're shit in yourself all the fucking time.

You're bald and of course you're a fucking alcoholic.

Jesus Christ bro.

I don't see what the fuck is so funny.

What's so funny is that you're the biggest fucking pussy I've ever talked to since I've

been doing this fucking job.

Why don't you fucking man up and handle your responsibilities or fall off a fucking building?

The world doesn't have time for pussy ass men Chris.

Man the fuck up or take yourself out of the fucking gene pool and stop fucking wasting

our air.

Just fucking ended all.

Just fucking pass away.

You fucking panty waste cry baby cunt.

Call in the fucking crisis helpline.

You're not in crisis.

You're just a fucking whoos.

Hey Chris.

I think he hung out.

You see what I'm saying.

I was born to fucking be a therapist.

I was literally born for this.

Listening to people's problems making them feel heard and then giving them real world

solutions that they can fucking carry with them and into their daily lives.

Crisis prevention crisis mitigation Lorenzo's crisis mitigation services.

I should start my own business.

God damn I'm good at this.

Riverside crisis prevention.

This is Lorenzo.

Tell me about your trauma.

I just can't take it anymore.

I just can't fucking take it anymore.

I just can't take all the yelling anymore.

Sir sir sir calm down.

What's your name?

What's your name?

My name is Bill.

My name is Philip and I can't take it anymore.

Not a second.

Fucking longer.

Hey the fucking talking to in there.

Philip.

Hey the fucking talking to in there.

Fuck boy.

Sound of a bitch.

Come out here and face the fucking music.

Philip.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can't fucking take it anymore.

I can't take it anymore Lorenzo.

I can't take it anymore.

What do I do?

I don't know what to do.

Lorenzo tell me what to do.

I want you to stand up to your full hide fill.

Stand up with your shoulders back and your chest out and your chin up.

And I want you to remember that you're a man.

That you're a white American man.

And that you're a fucking monster.

In the history of the world there has never been a fucking race of people so feared as the

white American man.

That's what you are, Philip.

That's who you are at your core.

You don't just look like that man in the mirror.

That's who you actually are inside you as a fucking monster in its time to let him out.

I think you're right.

I think, you're right.

I think, you're right.

I can feel the fucking blood.

I can feel the fucking blood in the anchor and the fucking rage.

Working up inside me.

That's exactly right.

You fucking harness that rage bro.

Harness that rage.

Open that door and break that bitches jaw.

Yeah, yeah.

Put me on speaker floor so I can fucking hear it too.

Yeah, dude, give it to her.

Fucking beat her ass.

Beat her bitches ass.

Beat her bitches ass.

Beat her bitches ass.

Philip.

Fuck yeah, fuck yeah.

I did it.

I did it Lorenzo.

I beat the shit out of that fucking broad.

That fucking carrot.

I beat the shit out of her.

You should see her right now.

She's in a pool of her own blood and piss on the ground.

Go out into the world, the monster that you fucking are and tame that world.

Don't let that fucking world tame you.

Now I'm gonna move on to the next fucking caller.

But before you fucking hang up, dude, there's gonna be a survey.

And I want you to tell these motherfuckers here at Riverside how powerful you are now because

of the help that I gave you today.

Can you do that for me, Philip?

I got you, man.

I got you.

You've changed my fucking life, Lorenzo.

You're fucking a right I have.

Kick her in her fucking pussy.

One good time for me.

Fucking lives one crisis at a time.

It was Riverside Crisis Center's lucky fucking day when I came on to payroll.

The cost of everything being up forced me into this situation where I needed to moonlight

a little bit in order to make ends meet.

But I gotta be honest with you, I don't regret it.

I'm built for this job.

Helping people.

It's what I do.

Communicating with people.

It's what I do.

Being a helping hand in someone else's time of need.

It's what missing through radio is all about, right?

All right.

On to the next segment.

Segment three.

That's gonna pretty much do it for this episode of missing through radio.

You're kind of catching me in a period of transition here.

I know I'm not fucking becoming a chick.

What I mean is I'm really brainstorming and trying to reimagine how I want missing through

radio to sound moving forward.

Today I don't know if you've noticed, but I kind of got rid of the music bed and I got

rid of a lot of the big bombastic openers and closers and sound effects and stuff like

that and favor of a more stark and kind of stripped down approach.

I'm not sure I like it.

We'll see.

But anyway, it's an evolving and developing thing.

I don't know what missing through a pretty is going to sound like moving forward.