Season 1 Finale

Welcome to the season one finale of Missing Throat Radio.

Good evening and welcome to this joint session of Congress where we are waiting for President Trump

and his-

And his special guest, Lorenzo from the Missing Throat radio podcast to arrive.

I am Bob Costas providing coverage and commentary for MRN News.

Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States.

President Trump is making his way down.

Stopping to shake hands and greet members of Congress.

Lorenzo in his signature quarterly and black button down is flanking President Trump

and honestly is looking nervous.

Hope, you know, Lorenzo fairly well.

Do you know what he is planning to say to Congress today?

I can only assume it has something to do with Charlie Kirk.

He looks nervous, Bob.

More nervous than I have ever seen him.

He has kept very quiet lately and hasn't said much of anything to anyone in the halls of the Missing Throat Radio Network.

Reports from within Lorenzo's camp are saying that his address to Congress will be a grim one.

But they have said there is a hopeful message he plans to deliver for the future of our republic.

I am just hoping he doesn't try to hit on AOC or anything like that.

That would indeed be awkward and certainly inappropriate.

But as the founder of this company, if he.

If he does decide to make a play for AOC on this stage, we have to support him.

I know, but let's just fucking hope he has a little more restraint tonight than he usually shows.

OK, the president is getting ready to speak.

Let's go down to the floor of the House Chamber, where Lorenzo will be addressing a joint session of Congress.

Exclusive coverage live right here on the Missing Throat Radio Network.

Distinguished members of Congress allow me to introduce the man I have brought here to speak to you today.

His name is Lorenzo.

He runs a podcast, not a good podcast, but a podcast, a small podcast, frankly a baby podcast, terrible.

But I have flown him here today to address the American people because despite his horrible appearance and odor,

he has a unique perspective on the state of our nation.

Please welcome to this joint session of Congress Lorenzo from Missing Throat Radio 2.0.

Thank you. Thank you. You're very kind.

You're very kind. Thank you.

OK, that's enough.

This clapping thing that you guys do, it's very pomp and circumstance.

It's very theatrical. We're not fucking doing that today.

So that will be the last outburst of applause for the duration of my speech.

Because this what I'm getting ready to do here is not a political speech.

You don't know who I am. I'm just a normal fucking dude that the president was gracious enough to invite to talk to you today.

So if you're looking for political fucking talking points that you can hang your hat on, you've come to the wrong place.

Short story, keep the applause for the end.

And if you feel like what I've said is worth clapping for, then by all means, please do.

Mr. President, Mr. Vice President, Distinguished Membersmemebers of Congress and my fellow Americans.

My name is Lorenzo. And I've been asked here to talk to you today about the state of our union.

Specifically where we came from, the decisions that we've made along the way, and we're the same way, together.

Along with some ideas for the future.

However, in order for this history lesson to be effective, you're going to have to divorce yourself from everything that you hold dear.

Every member of Congress and everyone watching at home is going to have to come along with me on a journey where we imagine we are in a hot air balloon, hovering 3,000 feet over the history of the United States.

And in order to actually take on board the perspective that I'm going to give for you today, you have to divorce yourself of all preconceived notions and ideals.

Open yourself up fully to the information that you're going to receive and allow the truth of what I'm getting ready to say to sink in.

Conservative Christian roots, liberal ideals and values, check all of that shit at the door.

And come along with me while I give you a brief, dirty description of the United States for the past 250 years.

By and large with a few hiccups and right turns along the way the United States chugged along in a fairly linear upward trajectory up until the beginning of the Civil War.

Then when the Civil War hit, everything went straight to shit. Can we all agree on that?

In nation collectively lost its fucking mind. We fought brother against brother cousin against cousin hundreds of thousands of Americans killed and wounded by each other throughout the course of that destructive conflict.

Ultimately one side won out over the other and then began the task of repairing the broken union. And in the aftermath of the Civil War that's when shit started going sideways for us.

We lost our collective fucking minds as we were trying to figure out what our new identity was post Civil War.

What are we going to be? Are we going to try to be a more perfect union like our founding fathers wished?

Okay then what did that look like? It's been the crux of basically all debates ever since the end of the Civil War.

And you could theoretically if you took a high enough view. Say that the United States never really had the opportunity to hash that shit out because we went from one international and or global company to the United States.

And or global conflict to the next all the way up until 2022 in the aftermath of the Civil War the only thing we fucking knew as a nation is that we did not want to do that again.

The. The slaves were freed. You can argue the political sides of that anyway you like. You can choose to fucking focus in on the minutia and the reasons for the decisions that were made.

But ultimately the decision was made and the slaves were freed. Forty acres in a mule right? Our treatment and perception of Native Americans after a fashion changed after the end of the Civil War.

Our treatment of women after a fashion rapidly changed after the end of the Civil War. And ultimately America started to become what it was always meant to be.

Emelting pot a place where you can go to achieve your dreams. Have your voice heard and earn the respect that you are due as being a member of the human race after a fashion. It wasn't immediate.

Essentially what we did after the end of the Civil War is we started apologizing to everyone we oppressed up to that point in time.

And that's what we've been doing ever since we apologize to Native Americans. We've been apologizing to Native American of billions and billions of

of dollars through the Bureau of Indian Affairs, paying Native Americans a stipend simply for continuing to live and our media gives them a voice.

But I want you to consider this. You can't see any fucking significant American event on television without some fucking news network cut into some fucking Native American sitting in front of a fire saying, yeah, it was a beautiful ceremony, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey getting married on stolen land.

Your land wasn't fucking stolen. You were fucking conquered.

It is gently as the Native Americans. No, and you can point to micro incidents where we committed fucking atrocities against the Native Americans. Sure, we did really awful shit in the name of colonization.

The Trail of Tears is a perfect example if you're not familiar with the Trail of Tears Google it was fucking terrible. It was a blight on the fucking face of the American timeline.

Absolutely, and we have been apologizing for it ever fucking since. I will say it again. I defy you to find a group of conquered peoples in the history of the world who have been treated as gently as Native Americans.

You're not going to find one because we have been apologizing for over a hundred years for conquering them. And it's their lucky day that they got conquered by Americans.

I mean, really, if you want to look at it through historical lens, if Caesar had fucking conquered the Native Americans, he would have gathered them all up.

He would have kept the hottest women for himself to stay in his harem, and then he would have sold them all into fucking slavery. And we wouldn't have this problem right now.

If it had been Jengus Khan, who

who conquered the Native Americans, he would have rounded them all up, raped the leader's wife, allowed his soldiers to keep a few of the women for themselves,

and mass executed everyone else.

Littered the fucking ground with their corpses, and they would have rotted where they died.

Throughout the course of human history, conquered peoples have never been set aside large tracts of land, and then supported and subsidized by the nation who fucking conquered them.

Let's take a 3,000 foot dispassionate view of the African Americans, the blacks.

They were not conquered, they were subjugated. Subjugated is a little bit different, but they were, in fact, subjugated.

Throughout the course of human history has there ever been a group of subjugated peoples who have then been freed, and after a fashion, given the same rights as those who originally subjugated them.

Well, you could say that all happened around the same time in Europe and the Americas. I don't really know who chose to do it first, but throughout the course of human history has there ever been precedent for that sort of thing happening.

No, there hasn't.

Okay, in one more example, throughout the course of human history, among civilized air quotes, civilized nations, how were women treated?

Were they treated as equals, or were they treated as second class citizens?

They were treated as second class citizens, and a lot of the women, I believe in this room, would probably stand up and say that women weren't even allowed to have their own bank account until the 1960s. Yeah, it was a slow fucking burn, but we eventually got there.

The point that I'm trying to make is that after the civil war, shit went sideways, and shit went sideways because we started listening to everyone.

Up until the civil war with the exceptions of a few right and left turns along the way, Judeo-Christian white fucking old men were the ones that they had.

Were the ones at the helm of this nation topped a bottom, and this nation chugged along an affairly linear upward trajectory to that point.

Much like in the aftermath of the atomic bombs being dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, you can fucking point to that linchpin moment in Japanese history and say that's the moment when they culturally lost their fucking minds.

Was anybody getting fucked by tentacles prior to 1945 in Japan? No, now they're doing weird shit with fucking tapioca.

They've got stuff floating in your fucking tea. They serve entire meals in a fucking three by three square that you can get from a vending machine.

And there are people over there drawing fucking cartoons with bitches getting railed by tentacles. They lost their collective fucking minds in 1945 when we dropped the atomic bomb.

That was the linchpin, the shatter point in their society. The shatter point in American society was the end of the civil war.

When we started saying never again shit has to change and everyone gets a voice after a fashion.

Now, I'm not one of these dudes that is lamenting the fact that Native Americans are treated gently and fucking black people and women have the right to vote.

I'm not one of these guys saying that that should have never happened, but I say all of that. I give you all of that backstory to say this.

If we are going to be an enlightened society that gives everyone a voice. If we're not actively going to oppress anyone and I'm not talking about political oppression or social oppression or fucking feelings oppression or any of these buzz terms that the young folks are using nowadays to ascribe more meaning to the way they fucking feel.

I'm talking about real no shit old world fucking oppression. If we're not going to have white Judeo Christian fucking old people running the country with an iron fist anymore and we are going to give every one of voice

to change 14 time career criminal stabbing a fucking young Ukrainian refugee girl in her neck over and over again on public transit in Charlotte, North Carolina is that our new normal.

What is that our new default setting is that the natural order of things if everyone is in charge rather than just one racial or ethnic group.

Can there be real law in order when the viewpoints are so far apart. Think about it. And you know the worst part of that situation is it's not the deranged black guy. Yeah, he shouldn't have been on the streets.

He'd been picked up 14 times by the police they'd done their fucking job the judicial system and the fucking political climate in that city didn't do their job.

The worst part of it the most damaging part of it is that little fucking Ukrainian girl took six full minutes to bleed out on that fucking train bus whatever it was.

She took six minutes to bleed out six minutes she laid there dying while everybody just watched it happen nobody jumped up to render first aid nobody jumped up to try to apprehend the psycho.

Nobody even threw her a fucking towel if it takes somebody six minutes to bleed out she could have been saved very I'm not going to say easily but she at least had a fighting chance.

The most damaging part of that video was the complete inaction and apathy afterwards there's always going to be a deranged black guy or a deranged white guy or a deranged Native American or a deranged fucking history.

Fucking Hispanic dude in the case of lock and Riley there's always going to be somebody deranged in a crowd of people the shittiest part of that entire scene was that everybody just fucking sat there and pretended like it wasn't happening.

That's the part that fucking haunted me I'm not even here to talk about Charlie Kirk because I'm let me just say this about Charlie Kirk and I want you to really consider this think on it for a moment in American history has there ever been a leader of a social.

Political movement who was charismatic and effective that we didn't kill I can't think of a single one Malcolm X we killed him Martin Luther King we killed him John F Kennedy killed Robert Kennedy killed they trying to kill Reagan they got Charlie Kirk in the words of living color when a leader speaks that leader dies.

So I'm not here to talk about Charlie Kirk I'm here to talk about the experience that that little Ukrainian refugee had on public transit in Charlotte North.

So I'm not here to talk about the American experience that you can't think of at all.

I'm not here to talk about the American experience that you can't think of at all.

Now if it is in the words of Chris Cornell arm yourselves because no one else here will save you so I stand here before you this joint session of Congress and before you the American people viewing at home and ask you this how long can this continue.

How long can how long can we keep on how long can we keep de evolving as a society and spiraling down to the fucking muck and Meyer that we are rolling into how long can we have a completely ineffective and self serving legislative branch you guys can't even agree on the proper way to make meatloaf much less actually pass laws that have the ability to bring us back from the brink of whatever we're teetering on the edge of.

You know you guys have done a really good job over the last 40 or 50 years convincing the American public that they don't need to be armed nobody needs to leave their house with a weapon our police will protect you we will get the violent criminals off the streets we will take the guns out of the hands of the fucking unruly let society protect you let your government protect you from the drags of society you've done a really good job of selling that fucking story and and further.

And and furthermore when that wasn't enough you've done a really great job of making it fucking hard for people to actually carry weapons to protect themselves you've made it a real pain in the ass right so I come to you now and I ask I'm going to ask again is the our new normal is this the natural order of things are we to accept that there are predators among us who are going to take their prey from time to time and we just have to.

Hope and fucking

you don't have to listen to anyone who tells them no because no matter how wild their fucking ideas are they're going to find a community they're going to find a group of people online who tell them they're not weird for wanting this they're not weird for feeling this way and their feelings are all that fucking matters and that is right and left both sides still have

to eat that fucking shit sandwich because it is real on both sides of this fucking house but the people who have the power to actually fan the flames of discord and actually fan the flames of revolution are sitting in this building right here and you guys do not hesitate to do it how many fucking tweets have I seen over the last couple years that have the word enemy or Nazi or fight or fascist referring to their political opponents you're all fucking

guilty of it all of you every fucking disgusting last one of you so that little girl bleeding out on that train is not a battle cry that particular instance just happened to be captured in fucking 4k these things are happening all over the

you nearly every day so I'm here to ask you as a representative of the working man to you the people in power what exactly is the fucking point of view what is the point of you what is the point of you an

corrupt judicial and legislative system combined with people fanning the flames of fucking revolution at any given time is a recipe a perfect recipe actually for Caesar and I think a lot of you would say well Caesar's already here if you're talking about this

that in my left Donald Trump is not Caesar you'll fucking know Caesar when you see him and he's coming the American Caesar has no choice but to come because at every level of fucking government it's

completely ineffective so option number one is Caesar when the Republic is absolutely broken and nothing can get done Caesar's coming let's fucking hope not

option number two is everything keeps going the way it's going and we keep evolving and keep degenerating as a society you're going to see your cities empty cities will be emptying of hard working people as they will be going to the

country and we're just going to turn the cities over to the fucking scum and the criminals and the fucking murderers and the rapists and let them just fucking eat each

other, that's the natural progression decent people are going to stop staying in places like Charlotte North Carolina and Chicago will annoy and St. Louis Missouri and Detroit and New York and Los Angeles decent people are going to

to flee

those metropolitan areas for Midwestern cities that

those metropolitan areas

those metropolitan areas for Midwestern cities that you've never even heard of where they have where

they have a reasonable chance of getting home every day without getting fucking, stabbed, beaten,

or three requires you guys to come

not going to be used to determine your fucking honesty or truthfulness with your campaign

promises.

It's not going to be used against you as far as, you know, whether you've cheated on

your fucking taxes or fucked around on your husband.

No, that polygraph test is going to serve one purpose to determine whether you have love

in your heart for the United States of America.

I see a few chuckles and see a few rise smiles.

It seems fucking ridiculous, doesn't it?

Of course it does.

Of course everyone who's in this chamber right now and is serving as an elected official

in states around the country.

Of course they love America.

Of course they do.

Why would they run for public office if they didn't?

I think we know the fucking answer to that.

Looking at the way this ledges this particular legislative body in the nation has been operating

for the last 60, 70, 80 years.

It's about power.

It's about personal fucking wealth.

It seems so simple, doesn't it?

This fucking almost laughable.

I can see a few chuckles out there, few rise smiles.

People think what

the fuck is that?

Is it really naive to want to make somebody prove via polygraph test that they are taking

the office for the right reasons?

Upon certification of your election win, you submit to a polygraph test.

You will be answering a series of questions to determine your truthfulness about your patriot

ism and love for country.

If you pass your test, congratulations congressman and welcome to Washington, DC.

If you fail your test, you are thrown to fuck out of DC, sent back to where you belong,

and your constituents are told you fucked it up, you got it wrong, do better next time.

Have an election immediately.

A polygraph test to determine patriotism.

It seems so fucking simple.

Most of the best ideas are because if you don't have a love for country, then we don't

need you here.

And that's really what it boils down to.

You want to talk about everyone's the enemy.

Everybody has an enemy.

Oh, that Judeo Christians on the right, they fucking the enemy is the left with their

left leaning ideas and their fucking bull rings and their nose and their fucking weird colored

hair.

The people on the left look at the people on the right and they got their just fucking evil.

They don't want me to be able to express myself.

They're the fucking enemy.

Everybody's the enemy.

And I'm here to tell you right now that that's not the case.

There's only one enemy in the United States.

And that's people who don't love the United States.

It doesn't matter if your hair is 19 fucking colors and you have four fucking hoops in your

nose and you were a transgender woman who transitioned back to a man who transitioned

back to a woman.

You could be the most liberal trainee of all fucking time.

You shit fucking rainbows.

But if there is a base level love of country, I can fuck with you because that is a foundation

that we can build on.

That's a foundation that's a conversation starter.

I think that both sides of our political fucking mess really view the other side is unpatriotic.

I'm not going to say that there's one side that views the other side is patriotic and they've

made it into a dirty word.

If you want to trigger people, you walk around with a fucking t-shirt that says patriot.

Now, I'm not saying that you got to love everything about the United States.

Of course not.

You're going to have things that you don't like.

I have things that I don't like about the United States and I'm going to use this as

an example.

I fucking love Popeye's chicken.

I love it.

It's probably my favorite place to eat.

I fucking love me some goddamn Popeye's chicken.

Al Copeland knew what the fuck he was doing when he started Popeye's chicken.

You know what I don't love?

The biscuits.

I fucking hate him.

I will not eat Popeye's biscuits.

I've never had.

I've never figured out a way to eat Popeye's biscuits where they don't suck.

I fucking hate them.

They're dry.

They're completely dried out, but they're also kind of a little oddly chewy on the bottom.

I haven't figured that out either.

Popeye's biscuits suck, but I fucking love Popeye's chicken.

I love the restaurant.

I love the ambiance.

I love the decor.

I love the people who work there.

I love the fact that if you walk into a Popeye's in an inner city, there's a good chance

you can see a fight.

I fucking love Popeye's chicken.

I love their sweet tea.

I have a deep-seated love for Popeye's.

I do not love the biscuits.

I have a base level love for Popeye's.

I do not love the biscuits.

I have a base level love for the United States.

I do not love my government.

And I think that the overwhelming majority of the people in America can say that, can

stand up and salute to a statement like the one I just made.

I have a deep-seated love for my country.

I do not love my government.

So I submit before you an idea of a constitutional amendment.

Draw up the language, vote on it, ratify it, and get it in the books.

And then adhere to it.

What we're asking is not too much.

And it should pass unanimously in both the House and the Senate.

Why wouldn't it?

Why wouldn't an amendment making you prove one of the most basic fucking things for government

service pass unanimously?

Why wouldn't it pass unanimously?

It should pass unanimously.

And if it doesn't, we'll be watching.

Taking note of which one of our lawmakers refused to vote in favor of such an amendment.

I'm going to leave you with this one last thought.

And I want to fucking say it again.

I've said it a couple of times throughout the course of this speech.

I'm going to say it again.

Never forget who the real enemy is.

The enemy is not your neighbor.

The enemy is not your political opponent.

The enemy is not somebody who doesn't look like you, sound like you, or think like you.

There's only one enemy inside and outside the United States of America.

And that is people, nations, groups of people who legitimately want to do us harm.

That's it.

If there is a foundation of love for this republic or this land, we can work with that.

We can build on that.

That's a talking point.

That's an area of common ground.

Everything else is just details.

Thank you again, Mr. President, for

to address this joint session of Congress of Congress and the American people.

God bless America.

Good night.

I've got mixed feelings about this episode.

I'm not going to lie to you.

Because I don't do this sort of thing.

I don't fucking talk politics.

I don't get involved in it.

I don't want any part of it.

I just want to fucking tell dick jokes.

While I had a whole idea in my head about what I was going to do for the season one finale

of Missing Throat Radio, that little girl got stabbed on that fucking bus or train

or whatever the fuck it was.

And then they fucking killed Charlie Kirk.

And I talked about that extensively during the speech.

I'm not going to hit on it again.

But what made me do this particular episode and pulled me out of my shell and my comfort

zone of just doing fucking dick jokes and being stupid was I've been listening to the

radio.

I've been watching TV.

I've been reading constantly.

I've been listening to podcasts and I'm hearing a whole lot of you.

They we it's time to fucking stand up and we got to fight and for all of this fucking

shit.

All of this fucking shit.

I've been hearing all of this shit from every fucking angle and everybody is getting it

fucking wrong.

It is not time to fucking stand up and fight and have open revolution.

If you've never been in combat, you don't know what the fuck you're asking for.

I don't want to have to fucking arm up to walk out my door.

This country is not beyond fucking saving.

So I thought I would use this podcast episode as an attempt in my own way to kind

of cast a little bit of a light of realism on the situation how we got here and where we

are and where we're going if we don't pull back from the fucking break.

I don't know if I did a good job.

I'm not a political pundit.

I don't know.

And I tried to do it in a way that that would make it I guess somewhat more palatable

to myself because I don't I don't like political talk.

I don't like all the fucking drama.

I don't like all the shit.

But I'm not hearing anyone say anything fucking reasonable who has a voice.

I'm not saying that I have a voice.

I don't.

Nobody knows this fucking podcast exists except you, but I'm not hearing anyone say anything

reasonable.

Everything I'm hearing is just fanning the fucking flames and fanning the fucking flames

and pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing and nobody.

Nobody is saying, whoa, stop.

This is why we got here.

We got here because of all of these fucking decisions and the only fucking way.

We're going to get ourselves out of it is Caesar, which we don't want.

I'll go ahead and descend into fucking planet of the apes, which we don't fucking want.

Or we do something drastic like introduce a new constitutional amendment where people

have to fucking verify that they at least have love for this country before they can fucking

serve.

Because I just don't think that a lot of our fucking elected representatives have any

love for this country whatsoever.

That's disqualifying.

In my opinion, I don't think that you should be allowed to serve this country if you don't

have a love of it.

And that's where we start.

That's the fucking basis that we rebuild the union on.

Okay, I got to stop.

I'm making my fucking on skin crawl talking about politics and fuck this shit.

What a fucking shit way to end up season one.

God damn.

All right, well, hopefully fucking shit will calm down so we can have a decent fucking

season two opener.

You know what I mean?

Back to fucking dick jokes.

Okay, I'm going to get that's in my wheelhouse.

I'm going to tell dick jokes and but hold humor and shit like that.

Anyway, thank you for joining me for the season finale, a bummer of a fucking season finale

of Missing Throw Bradyo.

Until next time.