The Season 2 Premiere

Welcome to our show.

Today we will be discussing Missenthrope Radio and specifically...

You're an Zeus Biggik.

I was told that in some circles my cock has referred to as Jew Pride.

Missenthrope Radio starts now.

Welcome to the season 2 premiere of Missenthrope Radio.

Why does everything take so fucking long?

Have you noticed that?

And maybe this is just something that comes with age.

I'm not in my 20s, 30s or even my 40s.

I just turned 50 not too long ago.

And while this is not necessarily something new for me, as I get older, all I can think

about is why does everything take so fucking long.

It feels like as I get older the world around me is becoming more inefficient than it was

before.

And I really believe in my fucking heart that it's by design.

The 10 minute oil change is now a 30 minute oil change.

There's no such thing anymore as running through the drive-through at McDonald's.

You're going to be in that line or you're going to be pulled over to the side for at

least 10 minutes.

And God forbid you go inside because their corporate fucking ethos says that the drive-through

is their priority.

You're not going to get your food any faster inside.

You're just going to have to listen to shitty fucking classic country music while sitting

on uncomfortable, uncleaned fucking furniture in a dining room that's 15 degrees to fucking

cold with your feet sticking to the fucking floor because they use the same mop that they

mop the fucking and disgusting greasy kitchen out in the dining room.

Show up to your doctor's appointment 15 minutes early so they can have the peace of mind

of knowing that their meal ticket is in the building.

And they'll get to you when they can.

45 minutes later, sometimes an hour after your scheduled appointment time, they finally

call you back.

Everything is more inefficient now than it ever has been in my opinion.

I cannot imagine a time in America that's been more inefficient than it is right now.

The bus is late.

The subway is late.

Banks even are rarely unlocking their doors exactly on time anymore.

Nobody is open on time.

Nothing is happening in a timely manner anymore.

What the fuck changed?

Why does everything take so fucking long?

And I say it's by design because I think it is.

Think about it like this.

If you're just a regular working man, what part of your day actually operates on your schedule?

Is there anything?

No.

Everything in your life is fucking predicated on somebody else's level of motivation.

Somebody else's fucking corporate talking points and somebody else's piss poor attitude.

For example, I was at my favorite fucking fast food restaurant the other day.

Arbys.

They have the fucking meats.

Now as you may have figured out by the way this fucking bit is starting out, I'm very

conscious of the amount of time that things take me to accomplish.

Did I say that right?

The amount of time that things take me to accomplish.

Yeah, I said that right.

I'm very conscious of the amount of time I spend accomplishing tasks.

This particular task was me feeding myself before I was going to be going to the high school

football game.

I decided to go into Arbys because I've been fucked in their drive through too many times.

I walk in, I walk up to the counter and this is the exchange now.

Pay very close attention to what I say after I'm greeted.

Hi, welcome to Arbys.

What can we make fresh for you today?

I would like a number two combo double meat with medium curly fries and a large coke.

And can I please get some horsey sauce in the bag?

Pretty good, right?

I know.

I had my entire order in my head ready to go.

So when I was given the opportunity to speak, I did so in a very efficient manner.

Now this is what happened afterwardss.

You said a number two?

Yes.

Did you say double meat?

Yes I did.

Did you want cheese on that?

No, if I wanted cheese, I would have ordered a number one.

A number one is a number two but with cheese.

So no, I don't want cheese.

Okay.

And you said you wanted curly fries.

Would you like those medium or large?

I already said I wanted the medium.

Oh yeah, that's right.

And you said you wanted a medium.

No ma'am, I said I wanted a large coke.

Oh yeah, okay, large coke.

So I have a number two, double meat, medium curly fries, and a large coke.

Would you like any sauces?

I already told you I wanted horsey sauce in the bag.

Okay, horsey sauce in the bag.

Would you care for one of our fresh baked cookies or one of our fried pies?

No thank you.

And would you like to round up to support area kids?

Oh they're fucker.

No, I don't want to round up to support area kids.

Oh, well okay.

Will this be cash or card?

My card is already in the reader.

Okay, here's your receipt, your order number five twenty two.

We'll have that out for you shortly.

You see what I'm saying?

Everything takes so fucking long.

Now even the most simple transaction of just ordering a fucking meal so you can get to

the next place you need to go takes so fucking long.

There is no such thing as fast fucking food anymore.

That entire transaction was infuriating when she greeted me.

I immediately gave her every piece of information she needed in order to complete the transaction

without saying another fucking word.

But instead what happened was she didn't pay attention to a fucking word I said and

I ended up having to walk her through each fucking detail that I had already fucking

stated.

And then she had to try to fucking upsell me her fucking disgusting Arby's desserts.

And then she had to try to fucking get me to round up in order to support some fucking

nameless charity.

That Arby's rather than fucking making a donation themselves is trying to pass along to the

consumer.

These people at all of these businesses pimping me to fucking round up drives me nuts.

Anyway, the only ones who have a fucking leg to stand on when it comes to rounding up

is McDonald's.

They have their own fucking charity, Ronald McDonald's house, world famous, everybody

knows about it.

And by all accounts it seems to be a pretty fucking straightforward and good charity.

Taco Bell has some kind of weird fucking scholarship fund.

Arby's is trying to provide something for fucking kids but they're not going to tell you

what it is.

And they're passing that bullshit off to the consumer.

Arby's Taco Bell Burger King, you motherfuckers.

If you want to affiliate with some fucking charity, then fucking do so.

And leave me the fuck out of it.

Why don't you take a portion of the fucking proceeds and make your charitable donation

and stop fucking bothering people?

Or raise the price of everything on the menu three cents so you can then give your

fucking donation without having to come out of your own pockets to give it.

Stop being fucking weird.

Why are you making me feel like an asshole because I say I don't want to round up every

fucking time I'm there?

Sometimes I round up, sometimes I don't.

But I don't feel like I should get fucking pressured and have some fucking mole-faced

overweight fucking 45 year old goddamn Arby's clerk looking over her fucking weird 1987

glasses at me because I said I don't want to fucking round up that day.

Fuck you.

I'm getting off track.

The rounding up in the bullshit charities is not why I'm mad.

Not why I'm talking about this today.

No, I'm talking about this today because that fucking Arby's transaction took way too

fucking long.

It required way too much fucking effort.

It took way too many fucking words and it is all by design.

Have you been to a gas station lately?

I drive the truck that gets 15 miles per gallon.

I'm at gas stations all the fucking time.

Here's how

I'm absolutely will, Chad.

Will that be cash or card?

Fuck.

The card's already in the reader, Chad.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Okay, bro, you're good to go.

Do you need a receipt?

No, thank you, Chad.

And then I turned around and went outside and pumped my fucking outside and pumped my

fucking outside.

Inferiorating.

Took too long.

Entirely too many fucking words.

What the fuck happened to the days when you went to the gas station and the fucking gas

station attendant didn't even speak to you?

Don't make me start missing quirky.

That's what I'm saying.

The rude cocksucker gas station attendant at the other fucking fueling station in town.

I don't like the quality of their fuel so if I have to get gas, I go to the fucking

conico here in town.

Gimme gasoline from a company that specializes in making fucking gasoline.

You see what I'm saying?

But that conversation took too long.

Took too many fucking words.

15 years ago you walk in there, you set your shit down.

The guy doesn't even look at you, rings you up.

You say you need 25 bucks in gas, he punches it in, nods his head at the fucking card

reader in a way you go.

And that was absolutely fucking perfect.

I don't know what the fuck happened.

What the fuck changed in our society that now everything requires so many fucking words.

Another example.

One of my employees called in sick today for tomorrow.

Okay?

Let me walk you through how that fucking conversation went.

Hey Lorenzo, I'm not going to be able to come to work tomorrow.

I'm sick.

Like really bad sick.

I've got like a fucking chest thing going on.

And every time I call stuff comes up and my nose is running nonstop and then I have like

kind of a fever but like only on the right side of my face.

It's like a face fever but only like and it's not even like my fucking nose.

It's like my cheek and my in my eye and my fucking temple.

I've got a fever only in those places.

It's bizarre and I try to get into the doctor but it's like Sunday so I can't but I'm not

going to be able to come to work tomorrow.

I don't think.

But I can though I'll let you know but I just wanted to give you a heads up and let you

know that I'm probably not going to be there tomorrow.

Okay well thanks for calling get to feeling better.

I will but like I don't want you to be mad.

That's the thing.

I don't want you to get mad at me and like hold it against me because like everybody

gets sick you know.

Everybody gets sick sometimes and yeah I've been sick more than most people I guess but

I've got a fever on like one third of my head.

The other two thirds is pretty okay but that one third is crazy and I think I have

like a boil or something coming up right below my eye and I don't understand what that's

about either.

If you need pictures I'll send you pictures to show you that I am truly sick.

Like I didn't even curl my hair today.

No it's fine I don't need photo evidence just get to feeling better and then.

Oh I knew it you finally mad at me like I knew that this was going to happen because

I called in sick sometimes but I've got a bad back and I have roomatoid arthritis and

I have carpal tunnel syndrome and sleep apnea.

My last doctor told me that all I needed to do was lose weight and like start exercising so I

fucking fired him and then he died like shortly thereafter right?

Like he's fucking giving me advice on how to be healthy and then he fucking dies.

Fuck you doc.

So I went and got another doctor who gave me all of these fucking pain killers and all this medicine

and stuff all these anti-inflammatories and stuff to keep my roomatoid arthritis and check but now I've got a fever.

Like on a third of my head just only a third it's so weird it's so bizarre.

I'll send you pictures if you don't believe me Lorenzo you're not saying anything.

You have to I just don't want to lose this job.

I don't want to lose this job man it's all I have it's everything.

No it's fine get to feeling better and then come back.

You're gonna fire me aren't you?

I know it you're gonna fire me just wait I'll show you I'll bring in all the documentation that you need.

Do I have to go to the doctor though I don't really have enough for the copay.

I've just got like this fever and this gnarly chest thing.

I don't call in much do I?

You've called in four,

really all that we need to talk about have a good night.

Just don't fire me.

I would love to tell you that I was joking that it didn't really go down like that that that was a fucking dramatization

but that really is as close to what actually happened as I can reasonably give you.

People are fucking crazy everything takes so long and everything requires so many fucking words.

So many fucking words.

Here I am running a fucking podcast where all I do is fucking throw words at you and I'm telling you

that in order to navigate my normal fucking life I have to hear way too many fucking words

from people who have no business giving them out.

Everything is designed to take up the maximum amount of your time possible.

The really damaging part in my mind is that there's no solution.

Now everything is designed nowadays to eat up the maximum amount of your time

in order to literally just fucking keep you engaged or to drain you for more money.

Ordering food at Arby's.

Talking to the employee who just needed to call in sick.

Maximum words used.

Minimum words needed.

Maximum time wasted. Minimum time required.

I don't have any solutions for you.

This isn't one of these times where Lorenzo's gonna sit down point out something

that you probably haven't fucking realized yet and then tell you exactly how to remedy it in your life.

I'm sure that there will be times when I do that for you.

I'm sure if you listen to season one I probably did it a few times in season one.

Handed you a quality of life solution.

There is no fucking solution here.

None.

There's nothing you can fucking do.

Everything is designed to waste your time.

Look at the gas station interaction by itself.

I walked in to pay for my fuel and I had to talk to that

that motherfucker for four minutes.

If I would have paid for my fuel out at the fucking pump

I would have had to answer a series of six fucking questions

in order to be able to fucking fuel up the vehicle.

You see what I'm saying?

There's no way around it.

They're either gonna try to upsell you.

They're going to try to fucking get you to sign up for something.

They're gonna try to get you to contribute to fucking something.

Or they just simply want your fucking time.

There is no solution.

Welcome to the fucking teradome.

And you know what? Let me know.

If I'm off base and I'm fucking losing my shite here for no reason

and I'm really reading into shit or I'm really extrapolating too much

or this is the way it's always been and I just never fucking noticed before

which I don't think that that's true.

If you know anything about me you know I would have fucking noticed.

I'm off base or if I'm being an asshole

let me fucking know.

Lorenzo people just want to talk to you about stuff.

They're just trying to provide better service.

Stop being a fucking dick.

I'll take that on board but I don't think I'm being a dick here.

I think that they're literally eating up significant portions

of the remaining time I have left on this fucking earth

with talking about goddamn coupons

and pinpin' me to contribute to some nameless fucking charity.

Fuck you!

Fuck those fucking ass kids and your fucking weird charity.

Anyway that's all it's just an observation or a series of observations

I should say that I've had over the last you know few years

and it's really starting to fucking get to me.

Okay, onto the next segment.

Welcome to the Boomerbunker podcast.

Straight out of Jersey where we don't sugarcoat a damn thing.

We call it like we see it.

Loud, proud with a side of attitude.

Politics, culture, everyday nonsense.

Forget about it.

We're diving in.

If you want polite and polished, go listen somewhere else.

But if you want real talk, Jersey grit and laughs.

This is your spot, the BoomeriBunker podcast.

Jersey tough Boomer Bold.

Check us out at Boomerbunker.com or listen wherever you get your podcasts.

Segment 2

Welcome to Dibshit and ChuckleFuck in the morning.

I'm Dibshit and I'm ChuckleFuck.

If you're tuning in for the first time and you don't know anything

about us, let me give you a little backstory.

We were doing fucking radio.

Actual radio.

Like in your car.

We were working at a radio station in Waterloo, Iowa

when ChuckleFuck over here said the word cunt on the radio.

You can't do that, Chuckles.

Oh, god damn it.

I know that now.

Yup, ChuckleFuck said the word cunt on the radio

and that was basically the end of our radio career.

But what we decided to do is we were going to go ahead

and start as a fucking podcast in a stream.

Thankfully the entire Dibshit and ChuckleFuck fanbase

is slowly starting to filter in and join the party.

What kind of party are you asking?

Well, let me tell you, matter of fact, let me have ChuckleFuck tell you.

Chuckles, why don't you tell them about the non-stop fucking party?

We got going on over here on Dibshit and ChuckleFuck in the morning.

Well, you go ahead and you tune in at six o'clock central time

and we're going to be doing our morning show

just like we did it on the radio, except now we can say

fuck, cunt, shit, pussy, son of a bitch, cock, sucker, and god damn.

No FCC could fuck with us anymore

and we've got a whole extravaganza lined up for you.

Don't we, Dibshit?

We sure do.

Let me tell you about the extravaganza that we have lined up for you today.

We've got our two favorite girls, sugar tits and milk knockers lined up here

to fucking wrestle to the death in a kidney pool filled with Chris Go

and when I say to the death, I mean actually to the death,

but before we get to any of that, we got to make our number.

The content that we're putting out is worth something it has value.

Okay?

And in order for us to keep on doing this fucking podcast and this stream,

we've got to make our money.

Does that make sense?

And it's not for me and it's not for chuckle fuck over there.

It's for the people who help us put on this show day in and day out.

Me and chuckle fuck have already made our money.

Yeah, that's right.

It's for the producers and it's for the fucking ladies with the tits over there

that are getting very wrestle to the death.

It's for them.

It ain't for us.

So we got to make our number.

And our number today is 260 dollars.

Now what we're going to do is we're not going to do any content

and we're just going to turn this into a giant fucking begging telephone until you give us the money

that we're looking for.

There's $10 right there from Cunti Cunt Bag.

Thank you.

There's another $15 from Sisters Cunt.

Thanks a lot.

Why we just got $6 over here from Danny.

$6 Danny?

That's all you could fucking do.

That's all you could really spare Danny.

$6 for your buddies, dip shit and chuckle fuck here.

We're going to be entertaining y'all morning long until 10 a.m.

Central time and all that's worth to you is $6.

We'll fuck you Danny..

Fuck you buddy.

I don't know what kind of life you live, but we're over here in the struggle.

We're in the fight and you're saying that we're only worth $6.

You're a cock sucker Danny.

You're a cock sucker and your sister fucks the blacks.

That's right.

I heard you fucks the blacks.

Okay, Danny just came back in with another $15 that puts you up to 21 for the day.

Thank you Danny.

Thank you for helping get us towards our goal.

I'm sorry that I said that your sister is a whore for the blacks.

I'm sorry that I said that.

I was just heated in the moment because you know we're struggling here.

We're trying.

Okay, we're really trying to bring this content to you every day.

Do you understand what you're listening to right now?

I probably should have prefaced it with a little bit of an explanation

before I just launched into the fucking dramatization of what I'm going to talk about today.

This is entirely the fault incidentally of John Jemingo.

I honestly would not have known that this is something that actually takes place in the

fucking world had Jemingo not gone on a screaming fucking rant about it on something.

Something.

I

In any way, shape or form, you have run across the dip shit and chuckle fuck show

or one just like it and probably not even realized it.

What you just heard there and dip shit gave you a fairly accurate fucking description of

the phenomenon that I'm going to go into today.

What you just heard there was dip shit and chuckle fuck in the morning got

fucking fired from their job in Bumble fuck Iowa and decided, well,

fuck radio these motherfuckers, I'm going to take my fucking show directly to the internet.

As a means incidentally, I think they all have this in mind as a

a means of being able to show potential new employers in terrestrial radio that

I have all of these listeners that followed me from my last job on to the fucking internet

and will follow me to the job you're going to give me.

I think that's what they fucking have in mind.

But it doesn't really work out like that.

Radio people losing their fucking radio jobs going to the internet

and then continuing to try to do their radio show while also

brow beating their fucking audience into giving them money directly from their pockets

in addition to squeezing any bit of advertising revenue they can out of the

fucking platforms that they're working with and horing themselves out in any way

they possibly can in order to make a buck.

Why you ask? Why would they fucking do that?

Why go to all the effort? Why alienate your fans and also fucking

turn off anyone who happens to stumble across your show by bludgeoning them over

they head with five minutes of fucking commercials before they even hear you speak

for the first time. Why would any podcaster do that?

Well, there really is only one reason.

Current and former radio people are entering the world of podcasting and streaming

and holding daily fucking telephones to raise money

and withholding content if they don't fucking make their money

and selling every fucking second of air quotes airtime that they can to anybody who will advertise

on their shitty little fucking podcast and horing themselves out for sponsorships

and personal appearances and they're doing all of that all of that for one fucking reason

and one reason alone. They're doing it because they're afraid.

It's fear. It's plain unadulterated fucking fear.

Fear of being irrelevant. Fear of fading away and not being quasi-famous in your fucking

dumpy little shitbox 68,000 person town. Fear of being just like everyone else

and primarily and most importantly a fear of having to get a real job.

I'm not joking. It sounds fucking preposterous doesn't it?

But if I hired a team of ninjas to go abduct 25 radio people from across the country

and ask them one question and one question only, what is your biggest professional fear?

They would all say the same thing, not being able to talk on the radio anymore

and having to go get a real job. That's really all it boils down to.

So when you log on to twitch or Facebook or ex or YouTube and you click the button to listen,

slash view your favorite morning show every morning and what you hear is this guys were getting

so close to our goal. God we're fucking so close we're only $68 away from making our goal

for the day and then once we do we can get these two fucking big titted broads in here to

wrestle to the death and a kiddie pool filled with Chris go get the girls in here. Let's let

them talk to the let's let them talk to our audience here real quick. Let's get them. Let's get

them in here. You two girls step up to the mic here, hang your tits in my face. That would be great

and tell my audience what they're in for once we get that $68. Well this bitch been talking shit

and I'm gonna beat her fucking ass. Oh yeah, we're past the point where we're ever gonna be able to

repair this and I'm gonna kill this bitch and Chris go today. Bullshit bitch, I'm gonna fucking kill

you. You hear that 68 dot make that $58. Princess FukTard thanks for the 10 bucks. $58

away from watching these two bitches here trying to kill each other in a kiddie pool filled with

Chris go on the dipshit and chuckle fucking the morning show. We're gonna take a

a break and be right back. When you click on your favorite fucking internet morning show and

you hear that all you're really doing by contributing money to those fucking ass clowns Commission is

keeping them from having to get a real job because they're singularly unqualified to do anything.

So just fucking stop. Stop giving your money to fucking radio people who are begging for your

fucking cash on the internet. Stop especially in this economy with fucking ground beef at Walmart

being $659 a pound. You're giving $15 to the chuckle fuck on just so you can watch methed out bitches

fucking wrestling. Chris go are you fucking serious? Just so you can listen to them tell fucking bad

one liners and do inside jokes that only people who've been following the show for years are actually

gonna understand. $15 bucks a day, $15 a week, $15 a month is too much money to give to fucking radio

people who three weeks before we're doing all of this stupid shit for you for absolutely free.

To restriol radio has been so close to teetering on the edge of your relevance for so long,

dipshit and chuckle fuck were just happy so you were tuning in. Now they're gonna pimp you for their

fucking daily goal of $240 for their privilege of listening to them do the shit that they were giving

you for free three weeks ago. Dipshit and chuckle fuck in the morning. Fuck me. The idea of paying some

fucking radio guy $15 bucks to hear him tell old fucking jokes and do bad fucking bits just

it just blows my mind and they're doing it. That's the thing over and over and over again every

single day you've got people contributing to the fucking keep me from having to get a job fund

to keep fucking losers like that Aaron I'm hold guy from having to fucking go to home depot or

jiffy lubory fucking belongs I could literally go on about this topic all fucking night long.

And not lose a fucking ounce of steam I could fill the fucking internet with all the reasons why

you should never contribute a fucking dime to some fuck ass radio guy who's trying his handed

podcasting but I'm not going to, I have to stop. Thank you for joining me for the season 2 premiere

of Missing Throat Radio I hope you enjoyed it perhaps even learned something or got a chuckle

out of the fucking ordeal. One of the things I'm working on and I hesitate to even talk about it is

I've recently been going to a few high school football games and I've decided that I'm going to

attempt anyway to do a complete theater of the mind kind of audio drama about my experience

and high school football games the things I see and the things that I can't not see and high school

football games that really detract from the overall experience. It's something that I'm working on

it's a really fucking big project and it was what I was going to do for the season 2 premiere of

Missing Throat Radio but it's just too fucking big it's taken me forever to get all the fucking parts

and pieces worked out and get it all fucking scripted out in my mind and and actually produced

so I wanted to jump in here today and do an episode just to kick off season 2 to let you know I

had not what

was a bit much for me. All right until next time